One day I am going to formally introduce myself to you, you will know my touch and my voice immediately, from the numerous conversations we will have. I cannot wait to talk to you and tell you about our day, as you grow stronger, wiser, and healthier inside of my belly. Your father and I have discussed our fears of having you and what this world could potentially do to you. I am afraid of the pain you will have, the disasters you will encounter, and even the heart break you will endure. I want to be upfront and honest with you on the reason I am waiting to create you, the reason I am holding out on what I feel is a better time to have you.
I have often had the question proposed to me, when are Mike and I going to have kids. To be honest, as soon as I got married, like literally the next day, I had questions of when we are going to have babies. To be honest sweetheart, mommy found that a little bizarre, because I was never in a rush to just bring you into this world without thorough preparation. There is this adage that is often tossed around, "You will never be prepared to have kids" which I find that thought intriguing and baffling over who actually made that up. Sure, there will be unforeseen things that I will encounter having you, but being ready to for the unseen I believe is the smart and wise thing to do; but this honey is only your mommy talking, my opinion only. I had a discussion the other night on this subject, having kids and becoming a mother. I have had this conversation numerous times, and I have told them, as I am telling you right now, that my answer has never wavered from, I don’t want them, right now. Right now that is, being that I am only 27 years old. Your mother, if you do not know by now is a planner, decisive, particular, a thinker, and sometimes an over analyzer. I feel like these qualities have allowed me to not be selfish with you, not being selfish in having you when I am not ready. Sure, by societal standards it would be acceptable, admirable even given my age and not having a child, but it would not be right. Sure, I am married to your father and at this moment we have been successfully married a few months over 3 years. However, I am not having you for a reason to self identity, I am not having you because I am alone when your father is gone, and I am not having you because I think it would be exciting and something new in my life. Those reasons are appealing, but they do not over write or expel the fact that being excited, being alone, and wanting a different identity aspect has nothing to do with being ready. Me being excited about having you would not over power the fact that I am still understanding life and my steps within them. You darling, my golden child that I have not met, deserve mommy to understand her steps so that your steps will be clearer.
When you come along sweetheart, I want to hold your hand or stand right behind you while you walk through your life. I want to explain the road blocks, detours, and stand still moments that you will have because I have been there, I understand them through similarity from my own walk. The worst thing in the world I can offer you is clutter and confusion, because that is exactly what would happen if you came right now. Sure, I would rise to the occasion, I would greet you with open arms and an enthusiasm that would impress the stars, but if I can take my time to be better prepared I will do that, because I love you that much. Your life, your humanity, your soul and spirit means something to me, and I take you, YOUR LIFE, more serious than my own. Just as I sat my butt down to get into graduate school, studying hours upon hours for the GRE, I will sit my little butt down and study this world and the things around it and the parents that are already in it, so that when you come I can have a better understanding. I may be an over thinker, but I think in this case, regarding your life and perhaps your brothers and sisters, I owe you the “over thinking” process. I really do love you so much, and I have never heard your voice, seen your smile, or become familiar with the color of your eyes. I do not know your skin tone, I do not know the sound of your laugh, and I do not know what your name will be yet, but I love everything about you. I can’t wait to walk through this life, experiencing the world through your eyes, because I will have been able to give you a sight, different than mine, a pair of eyes of your own; I don't think it's fair that I would share the same pair of glasses as you, only one set of eyes belongs behind them. You deserve your own vision, your own breath, your own everything, a part from me and your father. Honestly, when you come along, we still deserve a part of ourselves too. I believe this will be more beneficial to you, and though I am saying this right now, I know it will be a challenge for me not to want to smother you, because I love you. But that's just it, right now I am learning boundaries, and understanding space, my own space as well.
The best gifts that I can give you is opportunities, patience while we figure out your foundation together because I will have mastered mine (or at least stepped out of apprentice into an expert role on my way to mastering it), and a sense of stability that comes in a nice warm comforting blanket of security. I will not smother you with my dreams so that dreaming on your own isn’t a reality. I will not put my hopes and faith in you to succeed because mommy didn’t make it. I will be situated within my own skin, so that you learn to be comfortable through my actions and my life within your own. I want you to see examples through my life moments, through your father’s life moments. I want you to understand what I say, if you have a question about how things will turn out, just take a look around you. I want to tell you that the sky is the limit and show you with a plane ride; I want you to be able to look the clouds in the face and the blue eyes of the sky and say,”hey, well this isn’t that far to reach you know?” I want to tell you about the Red Sea and you, your father, and I go take a visit for educational purposes. I want you to learn your history by sight and reality, and I want to be able to give you all of this, the best way I know how. When you learn about the Sistine Chapel in school or we pass by it through conversational discussions, I want to take you there so you can see it with your own eyes. I want you to learn this world in a tangible sense as well as a spiritual sense, and grow a deeper appreciation for life as I am doing now. I want you to know that mommy and daddy brought you into this world on one principal alone and that is pure love and desire to share a world with you. There will be no speculation of why mommy and daddy got married. There will be no discussion of why mommy talks about the things that she wants to do and never does or did, and you will not see a look of regret or disappointment within my eyes at any time regarding your arrival. I will never tell you that I did not do something because I had kids, I promise you that I will not make it seem as though your life came at an unexpected time or became a burden. I will not tell you that being a Mommy is work, because you will not be my job, my profession, my career, you will be a pleasure, all of you. I will not expect any rewards from you except, EXCEPT, that you have a life you can love, be proud of, and learn to absolutely own.
One day, you and I will meet. You will know my personality, you will know the woman that played a part in giving you life, and there will be nothing that I could hide or want to hide from you. I want you to be glad that you met me, glad that I am your mother, and proud above all else. I want you to enjoy my company, love my smile, and choose to love me unconditionally back because you deem me worth it. I want to be a better person when you come around, because you’re golden to me already. I want you to have any opportunity in the world that is out there, because your father and I, we love you in an unconditional overwhelming way and you're not even here yet. So, when you come into this world and your mother is in her 40s when you are having your 1st date, understand that my age and your age together, shows mommy’s patience and love, because you are worth planning for. This is the best thing that I can offer as a parent right now, this is the best way I know how to parent, waiting until I am absolutely ready. I love you, I love you so much darling, know that with everything inside of you.
Love always,
Your Mom
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