Holding on ...

Confession: I tend to be dramatic sometimes, but that is just my outake on life. Everything is important, everything is big, and everything with me matters. Life matters so much, and I am still trying to find all the ways that it is important and that it can be lived. Here is just a free write of my thoughts on the matter of how we live and how we choose throughout it.

Do you ever feel your hands loosen around your life, and the fall from the wind is whizzing in your ear, whispering so fast that it makes every other sound around you numb or tender to the ear; you shut your eyes because the force from the wind is so strong, you can’t see anything, everything is so blurry and together.

During a response to a discussion earlier, I conferred with the notion that the one the biggest misconceptions is that we know ourselves completely or better than we actually think we do. We walk around guarded or loose sometimes, well most of the time actually; we walk around ignoring our reflection, even when it is in our own eyes in the mirror to take heed of our actions. Even our shadows move a little more hesitantly behind our bodies, telling us to be cautious, but we ignore them. Yet, we move ambiguously through this life, paying little attention to the subtleties that could produce a better us, give us a clearer understanding of where we need to be, where we really WANT to be.

What exactly is our catalyst for being stagnant in life? Is it fear? Is it insecurities? Is it blindness? Perhaps, it may be all. I don’t know exactly. What is it that keeps us stationary within the house of mediocrity and glibness? It is as some don’t know how to clean the house and toss out the trash. You know, it’s like every time you move from one place to another, when you are packing, sometimes you tend to throw away loads of garbage that you think would clutter your new place, right? Right. You are thinking to yourself, it wouldn’t do any good there so why bring along, right? Right. Why is it that some of us cannot do that within our lives and circumstances? I am not speaking purely of relationships and moving to one guy to the next, making sure he does not carry the load that was created from the previous partner; that would be nice and it would save him and you a lot of drama for the mama, but that is not all that I am speaking about, not really even the main point. What I am speaking of is in every aspect of our lives, we create stuff that just not need to be there, need being the key element in the statement. There is so much clutter that gets in the way, like we are hoarders of emotions and dysfunctional destruction. I am not saying just let it go, I am saying analyze it, learn it, and THEN let it go; so that you never have to be re-infected again, at least by whatever that was. Let it be a WAS, let it be a true WAS moment, not a now and again, then some more moment, you know what I am mean?

Holding on to what, you should ask yourself, and as to why should be the proceeding question. Doubting something when in the middle of anything major or minuet is something to take heed to, something to pay attention to and not to ignore, because it is the minor nuances that steam roll into the sticking daring situations. Broken hearts as a beautiful song once suggested is that the heart is still beating, you’re alive, and you’re not dead. Tighten your grip around life and live, live by taking it breath by breath, not day by day.

Hold on … you're not completely broken.

Don't Fake It

Confession: My heart has been heavy lately with the burdens of my own voice weighing down on me to speak out my true feelings and intentions. I've been growing, growing up a lot, and here I am now, facing another point in my life to make a decision. I am redefining myself and that comes with speaking my heart, not just the kindness part either. I'm not suggesting that I am turning into some judgmental gooney or anything that is waiting to slap you in the face with my gambol, but I am saying that I will not be the teddy bear make you feel good person all the time anymore when I believe something is not right. I speak about being true to yourself and I have realized my own mendacious mindset within myself. So, read on and maybe you will understand that faking it only keeps you from understanding you. I'd rather be silent and alone than to stand beside someone and offer empty words.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about my new found boldness and honesty from the heart that has been slipping from my tenacious lips lately. I am a thinker, and I often mediate on situations as to how they make me feel. Normally, our situations in life are ongoing processes that never seem to meet an abrupt end; they just keep formulating and formulating leaving relics of damages, and even sometimes shadows and imprints. In my daily word of God reading that I have picked up again recently, I realized I was a day behind. I had been reading a day behind for a week now, and this morning an affirmation to my behavior, which I have been questioning, finally found an answer. You see, lately I have had the urge just to allow people to know that I cannot be manipulated, deceived, or patronized as easily or as often (because the attempts are made on a daily) as they seem to think. I actually find it quite hilarious, to the point of laughing constantly myself, when I know that “they” don’t know that I … well know. Not laughing in a malicious way, as in I know a secret that they don’t know, but laughing in an “are-you-kidding-me” kind of way. Often my laugh to myself becomes a nervous one because I can feel a volcano inside of me about to erupt, but the embarrassment of others or their feelings, so my conscience more or less, keeps me from exposing the malice calumnies that are rapidly revealed to me.

As of recent, I don’t know what has gotten into me, but I think somehow instead of taking my vitamins I have taken a “no shit” pill. I have spoken up on what it is that I know and that I have seen with my own eyes to people, I have stopped the victim mode of storytelling to my ear, and I have single handedly redefined my relationship with a few people; I am extremely comfortable within my own skin with my decision, and in fact, I’m really proud of me. I was tired of faking the smile to make someone else feel better, I was tired of pretending that their ways (though they are adults) were not harmful not only to themselves but those around them, and I was tired of hearing that they are the only ones that seem to feel any pain. Although, I am sure I have redefined my boundaries with a few people that can be classified as sociopaths (being pain is the only true emotion they could probably feel which motivates their actions), I still took a chance on just purging my pre-mediated thoughts. I went as far as to tell someone that I am tired of being afterthoughts so please do not expect me to put any thought into those that NEVER think of me. It was sickening to my stomach to be asked to do something for someone and you know what the old me would have sucked it up and done it, because after all, when you know better, you should take the higher road, right? Wrong. Whoever said the higher road included taking maltreatment and left over emotional gratitude from the ones that are suppose to care about you? If that is the higher road, then the plan leveled flat surface is exactly my type of walking path. It felt like I was being mean by being so forward and honest, because normally I wouldn’t have said anything, but I couldn’t take it anymore, after all the conversations I have had recently and the declaration I have made about myself-where I stand.

Anyways, I opened my book and the word was on “Don’t Fake It” and it went on to speak about how the Lord has no time for pretenders and hypocrites. It went on to say that the mistake that many people make is that they decide to pretend and that by pretending you are being mendacious to yourself and not true to who you are. It also went on to conclude that people have many masks and can become quite adept at changing them as needed and that they being are NOT being true to one’s self is one of the biggest joy thieves that exists. I mean after all you guys, not being up front and honest when something isn’t right or if something is bothering you only poisons our souls and ruins our emotions. We begin to walk around with extra baggage that doesn’t even belong to us, because we decided to carry it when we decided to flippin’ fake it!

So, on this road to discovery, of understanding my foundations, in order to better understand myself, I can’t pretend anymore no matter how embarrassed I am for the other person; just spit it out is what I am going to do. Of course I am not going to be impetuous with my actions, I will always be pre-mediated to make sure that my words are not impulsive, thus warranting some sort of cancellation on a truth serum. The goal is not be judgmental, hypocritical, or walk in the shadows of someone else’s lies. Shadows are created to give shelter and create a safe haven sometimes, and they even prove to be pretty fun to play with when you are trying out run your own. Nevertheless, within shadows there is a darkness that lurks, and that is when one must step away, and walk alone, away from everything, away from potential destruction. This is what I declared and this new found freedom is absolutely priceless.

Hello darling ... it's your mommy speaking.

Hello darling, it’s your mother speaking.

One day I am going to formally introduce myself to you, you will know my touch and my voice immediately, from the numerous conversations we will have. I cannot wait to talk to you and tell you about our day, as you grow stronger, wiser, and healthier inside of my belly. Your father and I have discussed our fears of having you and what this world could potentially do to you. I am afraid of the pain you will have, the disasters you will encounter, and even the heart break you will endure. I want to be upfront and honest with you on the reason I am waiting to create you, the reason I am holding out on what I feel is a better time to have you.

I have often had the question proposed to me, when are Mike and I going to have kids. To be honest, as soon as I got married, like literally the next day, I had questions of when we are going to have babies. To be honest sweetheart, mommy found that a little bizarre, because I was never in a rush to just bring you into this world without thorough preparation. There is this adage that is often tossed around, "You will never be prepared to have kids" which I find that thought intriguing and baffling over who actually made that up. Sure, there will be unforeseen things that I will encounter having you, but being ready to for the unseen I believe is the smart and wise thing to do; but this honey is only your mommy talking, my opinion only. I had a discussion the other night on this subject, having kids and becoming a mother. I have had this conversation numerous times, and I have told them, as I am telling you right now, that my answer has never wavered from, I don’t want them, right now. Right now that is, being that I am only 27 years old. Your mother, if you do not know by now is a planner, decisive, particular, a thinker, and sometimes an over analyzer. I feel like these qualities have allowed me to not be selfish with you, not being selfish in having you when I am not ready. Sure, by societal standards it would be acceptable, admirable even given my age and not having a child, but it would not be right. Sure, I am married to your father and at this moment we have been successfully married a few months over 3 years. However, I am not having you for a reason to self identity, I am not having you because I am alone when your father is gone, and I am not having you because I think it would be exciting and something new in my life. Those reasons are appealing, but they do not over write or expel the fact that being excited, being alone, and wanting a different identity aspect has nothing to do with being ready. Me being excited about having you would not over power the fact that I am still understanding life and my steps within them. You darling, my golden child that I have not met, deserve mommy to understand her steps so that your steps will be clearer.

When you come along sweetheart, I want to hold your hand or stand right behind you while you walk through your life. I want to explain the road blocks, detours, and stand still moments that you will have because I have been there, I understand them through similarity from my own walk. The worst thing in the world I can offer you is clutter and confusion, because that is exactly what would happen if you came right now. Sure, I would rise to the occasion, I would greet you with open arms and an enthusiasm that would impress the stars, but if I can take my time to be better prepared I will do that, because I love you that much. Your life, your humanity, your soul and spirit means something to me, and I take you, YOUR LIFE, more serious than my own. Just as I sat my butt down to get into graduate school, studying hours upon hours for the GRE, I will sit my little butt down and study this world and the things around it and the parents that are already in it, so that when you come I can have a better understanding. I may be an over thinker, but I think in this case, regarding your life and perhaps your brothers and sisters, I owe you the “over thinking” process. I really do love you so much, and I have never heard your voice, seen your smile, or become familiar with the color of your eyes. I do not know your skin tone, I do not know the sound of your laugh, and I do not know what your name will be yet, but I love everything about you. I can’t wait to walk through this life, experiencing the world through your eyes, because I will have been able to give you a sight, different than mine, a pair of eyes of your own; I don't think it's fair that I would share the same pair of glasses as you, only one set of eyes belongs behind them. You deserve your own vision, your own breath, your own everything, a part from me and your father. Honestly, when you come along, we still deserve a part of ourselves too. I believe this will be more beneficial to you, and though I am saying this right now, I know it will be a challenge for me not to want to smother you, because I love you. But that's just it, right now I am learning boundaries, and understanding space, my own space as well.

The best gifts that I can give you is opportunities, patience while we figure out your foundation together because I will have mastered mine (or at least stepped out of apprentice into an expert role on my way to mastering it), and a sense of stability that comes in a nice warm comforting blanket of security. I will not smother you with my dreams so that dreaming on your own isn’t a reality. I will not put my hopes and faith in you to succeed because mommy didn’t make it. I will be situated within my own skin, so that you learn to be comfortable through my actions and my life within your own. I want you to see examples through my life moments, through your father’s life moments. I want you to understand what I say, if you have a question about how things will turn out, just take a look around you. I want to tell you that the sky is the limit and show you with a plane ride; I want you to be able to look the clouds in the face and the blue eyes of the sky and say,”hey, well this isn’t that far to reach you know?” I want to tell you about the Red Sea and you, your father, and I go take a visit for educational purposes. I want you to learn your history by sight and reality, and I want to be able to give you all of this, the best way I know how. When you learn about the Sistine Chapel in school or we pass by it through conversational discussions, I want to take you there so you can see it with your own eyes. I want you to learn this world in a tangible sense as well as a spiritual sense, and grow a deeper appreciation for life as I am doing now. I want you to know that mommy and daddy brought you into this world on one principal alone and that is pure love and desire to share a world with you. There will be no speculation of why mommy and daddy got married. There will be no discussion of why mommy talks about the things that she wants to do and never does or did, and you will not see a look of regret or disappointment within my eyes at any time regarding your arrival. I will never tell you that I did not do something because I had kids, I promise you that I will not make it seem as though your life came at an unexpected time or became a burden. I will not tell you that being a Mommy is work, because you will not be my job, my profession, my career, you will be a pleasure, all of you. I will not expect any rewards from you except, EXCEPT, that you have a life you can love, be proud of, and learn to absolutely own.

One day, you and I will meet. You will know my personality, you will know the woman that played a part in giving you life, and there will be nothing that I could hide or want to hide from you. I want you to be glad that you met me, glad that I am your mother, and proud above all else. I want you to enjoy my company, love my smile, and choose to love me unconditionally back because you deem me worth it. I want to be a better person when you come around, because you’re golden to me already. I want you to have any opportunity in the world that is out there, because your father and I, we love you in an unconditional overwhelming way and you're not even here yet. So, when you come into this world and your mother is in her 40s when you are having your 1st date, understand that my age and your age together, shows mommy’s patience and love, because you are worth planning for. This is the best thing that I can offer as a parent right now, this is the best way I know how to parent, waiting until I am absolutely ready. I love you, I love you so much darling, know that with everything inside of you.

Love always,

Your Mom