Saturday, June 18, 2011
Don't Fake It
Confession: My heart has been heavy lately with the burdens of my own voice weighing down on me to speak out my true feelings and intentions. I've been growing, growing up a lot, and here I am now, facing another point in my life to make a decision. I am redefining myself and that comes with speaking my heart, not just the kindness part either. I'm not suggesting that I am turning into some judgmental gooney or anything that is waiting to slap you in the face with my gambol, but I am saying that I will not be the teddy bear make you feel good person all the time anymore when I believe something is not right. I speak about being true to yourself and I have realized my own mendacious mindset within myself. So, read on and maybe you will understand that faking it only keeps you from understanding you. I'd rather be silent and alone than to stand beside someone and offer empty words.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about my new found boldness and honesty from the heart that has been slipping from my tenacious lips lately. I am a thinker, and I often mediate on situations as to how they make me feel. Normally, our situations in life are ongoing processes that never seem to meet an abrupt end; they just keep formulating and formulating leaving relics of damages, and even sometimes shadows and imprints. In my daily word of God reading that I have picked up again recently, I realized I was a day behind. I had been reading a day behind for a week now, and this morning an affirmation to my behavior, which I have been questioning, finally found an answer. You see, lately I have had the urge just to allow people to know that I cannot be manipulated, deceived, or patronized as easily or as often (because the attempts are made on a daily) as they seem to think. I actually find it quite hilarious, to the point of laughing constantly myself, when I know that “they” don’t know that I … well know. Not laughing in a malicious way, as in I know a secret that they don’t know, but laughing in an “are-you-kidding-me” kind of way. Often my laugh to myself becomes a nervous one because I can feel a volcano inside of me about to erupt, but the embarrassment of others or their feelings, so my conscience more or less, keeps me from exposing the malice calumnies that are rapidly revealed to me.
As of recent, I don’t know what has gotten into me, but I think somehow instead of taking my vitamins I have taken a “no shit” pill. I have spoken up on what it is that I know and that I have seen with my own eyes to people, I have stopped the victim mode of storytelling to my ear, and I have single handedly redefined my relationship with a few people; I am extremely comfortable within my own skin with my decision, and in fact, I’m really proud of me. I was tired of faking the smile to make someone else feel better, I was tired of pretending that their ways (though they are adults) were not harmful not only to themselves but those around them, and I was tired of hearing that they are the only ones that seem to feel any pain. Although, I am sure I have redefined my boundaries with a few people that can be classified as sociopaths (being pain is the only true emotion they could probably feel which motivates their actions), I still took a chance on just purging my pre-mediated thoughts. I went as far as to tell someone that I am tired of being afterthoughts so please do not expect me to put any thought into those that NEVER think of me. It was sickening to my stomach to be asked to do something for someone and you know what the old me would have sucked it up and done it, because after all, when you know better, you should take the higher road, right? Wrong. Whoever said the higher road included taking maltreatment and left over emotional gratitude from the ones that are suppose to care about you? If that is the higher road, then the plan leveled flat surface is exactly my type of walking path. It felt like I was being mean by being so forward and honest, because normally I wouldn’t have said anything, but I couldn’t take it anymore, after all the conversations I have had recently and the declaration I have made about myself-where I stand.
Anyways, I opened my book and the word was on “Don’t Fake It” and it went on to speak about how the Lord has no time for pretenders and hypocrites. It went on to say that the mistake that many people make is that they decide to pretend and that by pretending you are being mendacious to yourself and not true to who you are. It also went on to conclude that people have many masks and can become quite adept at changing them as needed and that they being are NOT being true to one’s self is one of the biggest joy thieves that exists. I mean after all you guys, not being up front and honest when something isn’t right or if something is bothering you only poisons our souls and ruins our emotions. We begin to walk around with extra baggage that doesn’t even belong to us, because we decided to carry it when we decided to flippin’ fake it!
So, on this road to discovery, of understanding my foundations, in order to better understand myself, I can’t pretend anymore no matter how embarrassed I am for the other person; just spit it out is what I am going to do. Of course I am not going to be impetuous with my actions, I will always be pre-mediated to make sure that my words are not impulsive, thus warranting some sort of cancellation on a truth serum. The goal is not be judgmental, hypocritical, or walk in the shadows of someone else’s lies. Shadows are created to give shelter and create a safe haven sometimes, and they even prove to be pretty fun to play with when you are trying out run your own. Nevertheless, within shadows there is a darkness that lurks, and that is when one must step away, and walk alone, away from everything, away from potential destruction. This is what I declared and this new found freedom is absolutely priceless.