Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Fear and Freedom

When does fear become a distant factor in the way that our lives are operated and maintained? When do we relinquish its hold that strangles our dreams, hopes, and aspirations? When does fear stop being a constant manipulator within our thoughts to the point that our steps become diluted illusions? Many of us have lost our footing, because of the catastrophes that fear engenders around us. Our purposes become confused, our vision becomes skewed, our dreams begin to only be meant for bed time, and our fascination with life becomes enumerated iota(s) that are meaningless.

Fear captures the essence of a man, or woman rather, from the beginning of their conception. Follow me on this point before becoming confused and dubious while hesitantly reading the rest this opine or well my opinion rather. Fear studies us in the way that it knows how to permeate our walls that we build sufficiently (or at the very least believe we have built sufficiently) to help us prevent such disastrous that fear leads us to and through. Fear provokes us to question our own gut instincts (superego and or conscience), it acidly strips away at the spark of confidence we hold onto within the grit of our fingernails, and it taints the fine line of trust, trust that we hold even within ourselves.

Emotions keep us implacable sometimes, distracting us from what is right and just, which fear is categorized as one of these emotions that does so.
Fear, which promotes worry, which in turns induces stress, which also solicits heart disease, cancer, and from diet pill commercial’s claims, belly fat as well, can none the less vigorously trigger the death of us all, in different fashions of course, but still familiar in taste. Fear is a silent killer, for in fact it gives us comfort at times, reminding us that our skin is there as goose bumps trickle up and down the outer layers of our crusted bodies. Fear escartz it way into our lives pretending to be a warning label to the unknown and perhaps the forbidden; it keeps us honest and alert it reassures us. In retrospect, it keeps us paralyzed in our stilted transformation, preventing progression and success. It lies to us about our end result if we put our worries aside and worked toward something bigger than ourselves; it tells us that we aren’t big enough or strong enough to play. It lies to our face, pretending to be a natural instinct, when in fact, it’s a habitual vexation that has found a welcoming home within our souls; clever imposture fear is. My heart says it’s not right, and I’m sure that I am not the only one that has felt the vibration from within, trying to convince ourselves of the unnaturalness of it all.

Each day, most of us, and though I am generalizing and speculating purely, do not take time to listen to and hear the morning whispers, or truly appreciate the day for rising again so un-expectantly. No, fear of whatever kept us tossing and turning towards each side of the darken night previously keeps us stubborn, ungrateful, distracted, and clustered with confusion. I heard a phrase this weekend that has a simplistic tone to it, and yet, a beauty that sings between each word; it goes: The morning breeze has something to tell you, do not go back to sleep. Interpret this however you see fit, for words are a mirror of our perception, perceive them in whatever way that gives you comfort, inspiration, and clarity. We all have selective understanding and we all choose to live at some point in time, the way that we live. You see, to me these words speak of letting go of any preconceived notions of a new today that replaced my yesterday, which merely means, letting go of my hindering fears of the past, so to not re-infect myself anymore. Just as we do with forgiving someone or something for whatever the situation may be, rather it be small, medium or large, we have to make the conscience ever to forgive every single time, not just once. So, as we do when we are faced with fears that hamper our process towards succession over an obstacle or an entity within our lives.

Choose to acknowledge self doubt, confusion, and diffidence for what they are, distractions from a bigger picture of happiness. Recognize, reconcile, and then release the fear that hinders us from a better future, because though days have become so disregarded and irrelevantly suspected, they may be endangered within a matter of time (time is truly of the essence for it is a virtue in its own right). Notably, we are nearly a peccadillo rather than a virtue, a spec in comparison to the bigger picture of this so called life.

Letting go of fear is experiencing a new taste to freedom.

Friday, June 24, 2011

Holding on ...

Confession: I tend to be dramatic sometimes, but that is just my outake on life. Everything is important, everything is big, and everything with me matters. Life matters so much, and I am still trying to find all the ways that it is important and that it can be lived. Here is just a free write of my thoughts on the matter of how we live and how we choose throughout it.

Do you ever feel your hands loosen around your life, and the fall from the wind is whizzing in your ear, whispering so fast that it makes every other sound around you numb or tender to the ear; you shut your eyes because the force from the wind is so strong, you can’t see anything, everything is so blurry and together.

During a response to a discussion earlier, I conferred with the notion that the one the biggest misconceptions is that we know ourselves completely or better than we actually think we do. We walk around guarded or loose sometimes, well most of the time actually; we walk around ignoring our reflection, even when it is in our own eyes in the mirror to take heed of our actions. Even our shadows move a little more hesitantly behind our bodies, telling us to be cautious, but we ignore them. Yet, we move ambiguously through this life, paying little attention to the subtleties that could produce a better us, give us a clearer understanding of where we need to be, where we really WANT to be.

What exactly is our catalyst for being stagnant in life? Is it fear? Is it insecurities? Is it blindness? Perhaps, it may be all. I don’t know exactly. What is it that keeps us stationary within the house of mediocrity and glibness? It is as some don’t know how to clean the house and toss out the trash. You know, it’s like every time you move from one place to another, when you are packing, sometimes you tend to throw away loads of garbage that you think would clutter your new place, right? Right. You are thinking to yourself, it wouldn’t do any good there so why bring along, right? Right. Why is it that some of us cannot do that within our lives and circumstances? I am not speaking purely of relationships and moving to one guy to the next, making sure he does not carry the load that was created from the previous partner; that would be nice and it would save him and you a lot of drama for the mama, but that is not all that I am speaking about, not really even the main point. What I am speaking of is in every aspect of our lives, we create stuff that just not need to be there, need being the key element in the statement. There is so much clutter that gets in the way, like we are hoarders of emotions and dysfunctional destruction. I am not saying just let it go, I am saying analyze it, learn it, and THEN let it go; so that you never have to be re-infected again, at least by whatever that was. Let it be a WAS, let it be a true WAS moment, not a now and again, then some more moment, you know what I am mean?

Holding on to what, you should ask yourself, and as to why should be the proceeding question. Doubting something when in the middle of anything major or minuet is something to take heed to, something to pay attention to and not to ignore, because it is the minor nuances that steam roll into the sticking daring situations. Broken hearts as a beautiful song once suggested is that the heart is still beating, you’re alive, and you’re not dead. Tighten your grip around life and live, live by taking it breath by breath, not day by day.

Hold on … you're not completely broken.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Don't Fake It

Confession: My heart has been heavy lately with the burdens of my own voice weighing down on me to speak out my true feelings and intentions. I've been growing, growing up a lot, and here I am now, facing another point in my life to make a decision. I am redefining myself and that comes with speaking my heart, not just the kindness part either. I'm not suggesting that I am turning into some judgmental gooney or anything that is waiting to slap you in the face with my gambol, but I am saying that I will not be the teddy bear make you feel good person all the time anymore when I believe something is not right. I speak about being true to yourself and I have realized my own mendacious mindset within myself. So, read on and maybe you will understand that faking it only keeps you from understanding you. I'd rather be silent and alone than to stand beside someone and offer empty words.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about my new found boldness and honesty from the heart that has been slipping from my tenacious lips lately. I am a thinker, and I often mediate on situations as to how they make me feel. Normally, our situations in life are ongoing processes that never seem to meet an abrupt end; they just keep formulating and formulating leaving relics of damages, and even sometimes shadows and imprints. In my daily word of God reading that I have picked up again recently, I realized I was a day behind. I had been reading a day behind for a week now, and this morning an affirmation to my behavior, which I have been questioning, finally found an answer. You see, lately I have had the urge just to allow people to know that I cannot be manipulated, deceived, or patronized as easily or as often (because the attempts are made on a daily) as they seem to think. I actually find it quite hilarious, to the point of laughing constantly myself, when I know that “they” don’t know that I … well know. Not laughing in a malicious way, as in I know a secret that they don’t know, but laughing in an “are-you-kidding-me” kind of way. Often my laugh to myself becomes a nervous one because I can feel a volcano inside of me about to erupt, but the embarrassment of others or their feelings, so my conscience more or less, keeps me from exposing the malice calumnies that are rapidly revealed to me.

As of recent, I don’t know what has gotten into me, but I think somehow instead of taking my vitamins I have taken a “no shit” pill. I have spoken up on what it is that I know and that I have seen with my own eyes to people, I have stopped the victim mode of storytelling to my ear, and I have single handedly redefined my relationship with a few people; I am extremely comfortable within my own skin with my decision, and in fact, I’m really proud of me. I was tired of faking the smile to make someone else feel better, I was tired of pretending that their ways (though they are adults) were not harmful not only to themselves but those around them, and I was tired of hearing that they are the only ones that seem to feel any pain. Although, I am sure I have redefined my boundaries with a few people that can be classified as sociopaths (being pain is the only true emotion they could probably feel which motivates their actions), I still took a chance on just purging my pre-mediated thoughts. I went as far as to tell someone that I am tired of being afterthoughts so please do not expect me to put any thought into those that NEVER think of me. It was sickening to my stomach to be asked to do something for someone and you know what the old me would have sucked it up and done it, because after all, when you know better, you should take the higher road, right? Wrong. Whoever said the higher road included taking maltreatment and left over emotional gratitude from the ones that are suppose to care about you? If that is the higher road, then the plan leveled flat surface is exactly my type of walking path. It felt like I was being mean by being so forward and honest, because normally I wouldn’t have said anything, but I couldn’t take it anymore, after all the conversations I have had recently and the declaration I have made about myself-where I stand.

Anyways, I opened my book and the word was on “Don’t Fake It” and it went on to speak about how the Lord has no time for pretenders and hypocrites. It went on to say that the mistake that many people make is that they decide to pretend and that by pretending you are being mendacious to yourself and not true to who you are. It also went on to conclude that people have many masks and can become quite adept at changing them as needed and that they being are NOT being true to one’s self is one of the biggest joy thieves that exists. I mean after all you guys, not being up front and honest when something isn’t right or if something is bothering you only poisons our souls and ruins our emotions. We begin to walk around with extra baggage that doesn’t even belong to us, because we decided to carry it when we decided to flippin’ fake it!

So, on this road to discovery, of understanding my foundations, in order to better understand myself, I can’t pretend anymore no matter how embarrassed I am for the other person; just spit it out is what I am going to do. Of course I am not going to be impetuous with my actions, I will always be pre-mediated to make sure that my words are not impulsive, thus warranting some sort of cancellation on a truth serum. The goal is not be judgmental, hypocritical, or walk in the shadows of someone else’s lies. Shadows are created to give shelter and create a safe haven sometimes, and they even prove to be pretty fun to play with when you are trying out run your own. Nevertheless, within shadows there is a darkness that lurks, and that is when one must step away, and walk alone, away from everything, away from potential destruction. This is what I declared and this new found freedom is absolutely priceless.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Hello darling ... it's your mommy speaking.

Hello darling, it’s your mother speaking.

One day I am going to formally introduce myself to you, you will know my touch and my voice immediately, from the numerous conversations we will have. I cannot wait to talk to you and tell you about our day, as you grow stronger, wiser, and healthier inside of my belly. Your father and I have discussed our fears of having you and what this world could potentially do to you. I am afraid of the pain you will have, the disasters you will encounter, and even the heart break you will endure. I want to be upfront and honest with you on the reason I am waiting to create you, the reason I am holding out on what I feel is a better time to have you.

I have often had the question proposed to me, when are Mike and I going to have kids. To be honest, as soon as I got married, like literally the next day, I had questions of when we are going to have babies. To be honest sweetheart, mommy found that a little bizarre, because I was never in a rush to just bring you into this world without thorough preparation. There is this adage that is often tossed around, "You will never be prepared to have kids" which I find that thought intriguing and baffling over who actually made that up. Sure, there will be unforeseen things that I will encounter having you, but being ready to for the unseen I believe is the smart and wise thing to do; but this honey is only your mommy talking, my opinion only. I had a discussion the other night on this subject, having kids and becoming a mother. I have had this conversation numerous times, and I have told them, as I am telling you right now, that my answer has never wavered from, I don’t want them, right now. Right now that is, being that I am only 27 years old. Your mother, if you do not know by now is a planner, decisive, particular, a thinker, and sometimes an over analyzer. I feel like these qualities have allowed me to not be selfish with you, not being selfish in having you when I am not ready. Sure, by societal standards it would be acceptable, admirable even given my age and not having a child, but it would not be right. Sure, I am married to your father and at this moment we have been successfully married a few months over 3 years. However, I am not having you for a reason to self identity, I am not having you because I am alone when your father is gone, and I am not having you because I think it would be exciting and something new in my life. Those reasons are appealing, but they do not over write or expel the fact that being excited, being alone, and wanting a different identity aspect has nothing to do with being ready. Me being excited about having you would not over power the fact that I am still understanding life and my steps within them. You darling, my golden child that I have not met, deserve mommy to understand her steps so that your steps will be clearer.

When you come along sweetheart, I want to hold your hand or stand right behind you while you walk through your life. I want to explain the road blocks, detours, and stand still moments that you will have because I have been there, I understand them through similarity from my own walk. The worst thing in the world I can offer you is clutter and confusion, because that is exactly what would happen if you came right now. Sure, I would rise to the occasion, I would greet you with open arms and an enthusiasm that would impress the stars, but if I can take my time to be better prepared I will do that, because I love you that much. Your life, your humanity, your soul and spirit means something to me, and I take you, YOUR LIFE, more serious than my own. Just as I sat my butt down to get into graduate school, studying hours upon hours for the GRE, I will sit my little butt down and study this world and the things around it and the parents that are already in it, so that when you come I can have a better understanding. I may be an over thinker, but I think in this case, regarding your life and perhaps your brothers and sisters, I owe you the “over thinking” process. I really do love you so much, and I have never heard your voice, seen your smile, or become familiar with the color of your eyes. I do not know your skin tone, I do not know the sound of your laugh, and I do not know what your name will be yet, but I love everything about you. I can’t wait to walk through this life, experiencing the world through your eyes, because I will have been able to give you a sight, different than mine, a pair of eyes of your own; I don't think it's fair that I would share the same pair of glasses as you, only one set of eyes belongs behind them. You deserve your own vision, your own breath, your own everything, a part from me and your father. Honestly, when you come along, we still deserve a part of ourselves too. I believe this will be more beneficial to you, and though I am saying this right now, I know it will be a challenge for me not to want to smother you, because I love you. But that's just it, right now I am learning boundaries, and understanding space, my own space as well.

The best gifts that I can give you is opportunities, patience while we figure out your foundation together because I will have mastered mine (or at least stepped out of apprentice into an expert role on my way to mastering it), and a sense of stability that comes in a nice warm comforting blanket of security. I will not smother you with my dreams so that dreaming on your own isn’t a reality. I will not put my hopes and faith in you to succeed because mommy didn’t make it. I will be situated within my own skin, so that you learn to be comfortable through my actions and my life within your own. I want you to see examples through my life moments, through your father’s life moments. I want you to understand what I say, if you have a question about how things will turn out, just take a look around you. I want to tell you that the sky is the limit and show you with a plane ride; I want you to be able to look the clouds in the face and the blue eyes of the sky and say,”hey, well this isn’t that far to reach you know?” I want to tell you about the Red Sea and you, your father, and I go take a visit for educational purposes. I want you to learn your history by sight and reality, and I want to be able to give you all of this, the best way I know how. When you learn about the Sistine Chapel in school or we pass by it through conversational discussions, I want to take you there so you can see it with your own eyes. I want you to learn this world in a tangible sense as well as a spiritual sense, and grow a deeper appreciation for life as I am doing now. I want you to know that mommy and daddy brought you into this world on one principal alone and that is pure love and desire to share a world with you. There will be no speculation of why mommy and daddy got married. There will be no discussion of why mommy talks about the things that she wants to do and never does or did, and you will not see a look of regret or disappointment within my eyes at any time regarding your arrival. I will never tell you that I did not do something because I had kids, I promise you that I will not make it seem as though your life came at an unexpected time or became a burden. I will not tell you that being a Mommy is work, because you will not be my job, my profession, my career, you will be a pleasure, all of you. I will not expect any rewards from you except, EXCEPT, that you have a life you can love, be proud of, and learn to absolutely own.

One day, you and I will meet. You will know my personality, you will know the woman that played a part in giving you life, and there will be nothing that I could hide or want to hide from you. I want you to be glad that you met me, glad that I am your mother, and proud above all else. I want you to enjoy my company, love my smile, and choose to love me unconditionally back because you deem me worth it. I want to be a better person when you come around, because you’re golden to me already. I want you to have any opportunity in the world that is out there, because your father and I, we love you in an unconditional overwhelming way and you're not even here yet. So, when you come into this world and your mother is in her 40s when you are having your 1st date, understand that my age and your age together, shows mommy’s patience and love, because you are worth planning for. This is the best thing that I can offer as a parent right now, this is the best way I know how to parent, waiting until I am absolutely ready. I love you, I love you so much darling, know that with everything inside of you.

Love always,

Your Mom

Monday, May 30, 2011

Hollow Hands ... Within these tears

Hollow Hands

As time clicks away each minute, second by second the emptiness around closes in on me
Dauntless, the loneliness teases and taunts me, whispering cheap creaks through the cracks in the floor boards
The space is welcoming; the walls are forgiving, cold, and somewhat friendly
Hollow hands reach for my friendship, mimicking laughter imitates joy, and satisfaction protrudes nowhere near me.
Lost words, broken thoughts, searching for something to distract me by sight
The lone night presents a faulty security; in truth it’s dangerous and threatening
I am here, self secluded, compellingly weak and sad
I wasn’t ready, ready to be alone without you.
Yet here I stand, by myself

Within these tears

Within these tears you will find confusion and frustration fighting for my emotional attention

You will find beauty redefined through pain and a darken awakening

Within these tears you will find a trek decorated with sporadic discomfort and delirious joy

You will find true expression and literal feeling

Within these tears you will see my heart beat flutter for survival, for life inside this skin struggles to live

You will find a stripped core, bare, naked and cold, soothed by the idea of a passing loneliness

Within these tears you will find the truth about me, the open book of my soul

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Before I met you ...

A tribute to the one who has explained through expression and action what love is ... to me.

Before I met you ...

I’ve loved you all of my life before I knew who you were. I wanted to feel your touch before I knew the hand that would reach for my face or embrace my finger tips right before our hands coupled together as one.

I wanted to capture your gaze before I knew the color of your eyes, the length of hesitation preceded by a blink, or the unique way each eyelid fell before you found comfort in sleep. I wanted to know the scent of your skin before I knew the tone it naturally radiates.

I wanted to feel the kisses you would offer me before memorizing their puck before each peck or long embrace. I wanted to know the sound of your laugh or what makes you laugh in life before becoming familiar with your smile. But I wanted to become familiar with your smile before I heard the words of “I love you” slip from your lips, pushed out by your tongue.

I wanted to know your urges, because I wanted to know how to excite them or appease them rather. I wanted to know the taste of your soul before knowing your favorite foods. But I wanted to know your favorite foods, so that I could gain an easy entrance into your heart.

I wanted to know what inspires your mercy before stepping in the shadow of your grace. I wanted to know your nightmares, so that I could placate them with new dreams. Most of all, I couldn’t wait to feel the “I love you” part that we would share on an overwhelming level, a level that proceeds any imagination one could invoke.

I have loved you all of my life, by choice, not by choice, by will, by desire, by demand, by a passion that balances the unseen worlds of spirituality and the heavens. I will love you all the days of my life, because I wanted to love exactly who you are, before I met you.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Love ... is not conversational

Confession: While attempting to understand the concept of what motivates and drives true love and passion, I have began to explore the idea that love is not conversational, it is expressional. Often it can be manipulated and tortured in an attempt to portray the real thing, but in the end, imitations are exposed as the true fakes that they are. Love and pain, in their relationship that fuels this world and the relationships that are involved within it, deserves our undivided attention. This is just the beginning. Enjoy.

Love cannot possibly be understood through conversations or gestures motivated with indolence and minuet thought. Love is much too complex for that sort of deception and silliness, because it dilutes the message as well as feeling; thus, presenting a false illusion that escartz’s it way around this world, engendering imitations and lingering emptiness. Love itself, so powerful by its very own nature, demands a deeper collection of expression, one coupled with an affluence of passion, forded by heart as well as truth. Love not only demands this, but it feeds, breathes, and lives from this. As such the warrior stands on the battle field, waiting to spill blood or exchange his own, in the name of liberation or perhaps a fiery goal of domination, so does the lover who springs at the thought of exploiting his soul if that secures his prize.

Faithfully and notably, loving the one you’re with provides battle burns and stings the wounds of those who have truly loved and warred over the very privilege to do so. Lifting your heels a few inches off the dirt, feeling the arch in your feet bend a little bit more, your skin around your toes tightens from the intensity, you raise your arms waving to the wind hello-goodbye, shushing your heart to alleviate its eagerness, as you prepare yourself to survive the fall to grace. The very process is too demanding and consuming to comprehend all at once, for our eyes close from time to time, hoping to savor every fleeting moment. The dire need of a deep breath on the way down proves catalytic for a moment of remembrance towards the purpose before hitting the ground, making the landing a little bit softer; or at the very least justifiable. Love understands no bounds; it’s just not in its character. It drives its own self at times and stands alone waiting to feel the reciprocation at its feet. Love demands epic greatness, all of which we are more than capable... of experiencing. Love ... is not conversational, it is a language of expression coupled with passion and in depth meaning from the soul, heart, and spirit combined.

Monday, May 23, 2011

The Precursor of a Thought

Confession: Interestingly enough, my mind has wandered into the land of what a thought really is, and the process of it occuring in your mind before it manifest itself into reality. When you are faced with time, time spent alone, the mind can become an alteration of images of a reality that you may become familiar with later. I find it fascinating to look at the way thoughts work and how they transpire into actions, particularly dark ones. I am always looking at the upside of something, so I thought, why not explore the negative or dark spots of thoughts. So, anyways, here is just a random thought I put on paper, took me about 10 minutes to get it out. I love random thought writing time, I always surprise myself with what is going on in my mind. I just wish I could catch all the fleeting ones that get away. :o) Enjoy.

Sometimes, I hate to be alone with my thoughts; it can be a scary place to be. Presenting different outcomes, changing the course of your life, and, perhaps or, treading in unfamiliar territory, looms in the shadows of each passing fa├žade of the imaginary reality that can formally introduce itself one day. The temptations of the “what-ifs” that transition between your neurons, teasing your conscience and decision making skills, can be legerdemain as well as threatening. Deceptively lust, greed, envy, gluttony, and more embryonic manipulators, cast their appearance with an illusionary dress that seems appeasing as well as appealing. The mind’s playground can unintentionally allow the twisting and burning of love to the ground, all the while, lifting up the spirits of the dark only to blindingly confuse it for light. Searching for the sound of sanity can be hard when footprints lead to a different path, one that stimulates the senses and situates itself as equal to the one you were really looking for. Tis, tis, tis, when the thoughts of the unreal becomes a reality; how do you escape the imprints that will be forever scripted into your soul, is an inspiring rhetorical statement to consider. How do you beat grief and guilt, anger converted into rage, and pain replaced by the blood of a dying life that you once lived before you? Decisions, decisions, oh how they affect unmannered emotions, all the while affecting every part of our very existence, down to where we sit, as to oppose to where we could have sat; this or that games our thoughts play. Thoughts are the precursor to actions, which invoke the reactions of our lives. So, have we missed out on the true evaluator of what fords us through this life of ours? Being alone with my thoughts, truth be bold and told, can be a scary, scary place to linger.

Where do your thoughts lead you?

Friday, April 15, 2011

Decisions Decisions ... Let's shoot for the galaxies, you and I

Confession: I began my walk with Christ without knowing I was walking with him. I was praying and praying to him to heal my family when I was 12 years old, and He used the people in my past memories to structure my new ones. It’s funny how he allows us to be used in certain ways. I’m thankful that my 2nd grade teacher had invited us to her church when I was 6, because when I asked my father to take me to church, we took her invitation; even if it was 6 grades later.

The decisions we make in life are so important because they shape our future. We get lucky that our mistakes don’t always corrupt our existence, but that can only happen if we learn from them. Every single aspect of our life is a teachable moment, a learning moment, an experiencing moment. When I was in the 8th grade, I began watching Joyce Meyers every morning while getting ready for school. Her choice to speak the word of God and encouragement found my ears, all because of the decisions we make in our life. What if she had chosen a different path in life at a different time, allowing her past demons, transgressions, or pain to re-infect her continuously? And perhaps, I had decided to listen to MTV or VH1 while getting dressed instead of her ministry, where would I be? Maybe my walk would not be so defined with God, maybe I would still be a newborn in Christ, and maybe my outlook on spirituality and designing the perfect destiny for me would not be so clear. The decisions we make even while we are younger shape, form, and rejuvenate parts of our lives, knowingly and unknowingly. It may seem unfair because of our innocence, our pureness, and the fact that our steps are currently placed in the hands of adults that haven’t quite figured out their own walk.

I want to encourage you to pay attention in life. Each step you make differs from the last and will differ from the next one you make. Although, it may seem as you are walking around in circles, making the same decisions, it’s not true. We hold our destinies in our hands, and this world is more profound then we give it credit. There is so much more to our lives then we ever experience, and that is because we allow the creation and manifestations of others, become our own. My life is mine and mine alone, it belongs to no one else but me. How often do we stop and think that this is my life, mine! How incredible is that? How has the pessimistic nature seeped into our minds that at times, we wish for it to be over, have something new, or despise it? We have a responsibility to ourselves and whatever responsibility you feel that you have, it’s yours to figure out; but that’s just it, figure it out.

Ask yourself what is my purpose, and don’t be afraid of the answer. Remember, I am huge on not interrupting yourself, but instead giving you time to speak inwardly. It may cause for you to step out of an indolent lifestyle, it may make you challenge your weakness which initiates fears that we may not want to face, but know that you are stronger than you probably give yourself credit for. Know that those moments of doubt, frustration, and aggravation can be controlled by controlling your mind, your thoughts, and your actions. When you control your mind, you are in control of your destiny, because your thoughts become different, which allow for your actions to become different; your entire outlook on life becomes something of anew. Live above the definition you have defined for yourself, because you will be surprised when you finally figure out that the sky limit really isn’t that far. Let’s shoot for the galaxies, you and I.

All I want ... is the world

Confession: All I want is the world ... to see its true beauty in every capacity, to make my moments last through laughter, joyful tears, and experiences that outweigh each passing one ...

I don't know ... I've been sitting on this line ... all I want is the world for a few days. I wrote the poem at the bottom, but I may make a part two. It lingers in my mind, and the statement itself does not contain a selfishness quality; it goes deeper than that. I hope you enjoy.

I hardly ever write in rhythm style so, this is something a little different for me. I'm a free thought open style type of writer. :o) Just a warning.

All I want is the world, is that too much to ask?
Experience life to its fullest, and all that it has.

All I want is the world, to hold pieces of it in my hand
Learning to fall in love, in whatever capacity I can.

All I want is the world, to feel happiness and forget the pain.
Memorizing even the smallest detail, for there is so much more to gain

All I want is the world, with you inside my walls.
For me to understand the concept, of what it really means to fall.

All I want is the world, to look into your eyes.
To lose myself inside of you, every blink offering an elaborate
or perhaps subtle surprise.

All I want is the world, to breathe in the heavens
and taste the flavors of the moon.
Standing still to watch the good parts, because Lord knows,
its over too soon.

All I want is the world, to hold your hand along the way.
To watch our souls become the best of friends, and to know, together,
we'll face the day.

All I want is the world, to carry new secrets,
shared only between us two.
Promising the nevers, making good on the always
pinkie swears, special shakes, to seal them or perhaps, renew.

All I want is the world, but only with you … is that too much to ask?

Monday, April 4, 2011

I'm Slippin' - BUT the weight Isn't :*o(

I keep telling myself, one step at a time. I'm sorry, I have to apologize for my behavior lately. I have been completely slipping on informing you all of my progress. So, last week, I was able to work out four times. I know I said I was going to post daily on what it is that I am doing, but I did not have the time. I will do better this week, promise *:).

Last week wrap up quickly: Monday (is posted), tuesday-wednesday took those days off, thursday ran four miles and walked a mile, friday did a zumba class, saturday did a step aerobics class and then ran a mile and walked three and a half with a friend, and saturday walked two miles with the hubby and dogs. This concludes my wrap up of the week.

My weight hasn't moved at all last month, but that is okay. I am already at my target weight for my height and I will post a chart below or above, I'm 5-8. It can be a bit difficult, but it is only temporary and I know that. I can feel my body getting better and tighter, my skin has cleared up tremendously, and I am doing great. So, I am going to keep it up.

As far as the month of April, I am planning on doing a ten miler. The competition that I want to join is right around the corner, so hopefully 10 pounds drops off (but I am doing this the natural healthy way) so, I don't know if my body will react that fast. It may. Usually after a month and a half you will see drastic results, so I am really excited.

Today, I was going to go to a yoga class but I decided to update you all; so, I am going to miss it, and that is okay, because I will do one here. However, I am going to make it to step, and I am going to do a spinning class afterwards.

Tomorrow I am hitting the treadmill and I am going to do 7 miles. That is my goal. Wednesday, if my legs are feeling up to it, I will do a yoga and step, and then on Thursday I will crush the gym again with a 5 mile run, to complete my workout for the week with a Friday Zumba class. Saturday, I may do another step aerobics and yoga class because it was light this weekend, and walk with my husband on Sunday :o) That concludes my predictions for the week, and I plan on staying with it.

Where is everyone else at?

Friday, April 1, 2011

Who am I?

Confession: I've never felt hesitant to speak about defeat. It's in those defeating moments where I expose myself to vulnerability and exchange my weakness for strength.

I'm emotional, I'm a bit stubborn and sometimes too sentimental to let things go (and that applies to multiple arenas). Oh, and I can be an enemy, an enemy to myself.

I may be all of those things; nevertheless, I am also a successor. I am an over-comer and a determinate force that refines herself when faced with failure, because that is one thing I will NEVER become. The adage never say never has been optimistically promoted throughout time, becoming one of the most famous repetitive idioms of all time. One thing you should remember, as I often remind myself, there are always exceptions to the rules, and this happens to be one of them.

Who am I? I am a lot of things. Different aspects of me are lurking out of the shadows, revealing characteristics of myself on a daily occurrence; but what I have learned about who I am is, above all else, I am resilient.

I will always be the bit of bright green that springs from the crack of the earth, fighting to make room for who she is becoming.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

What shapes us? Round One

Confession: I am a dreamer and a doer, no matter how long it takes, but I love the process of dreaming. I also like the process of discovery and rediscovery, but I want to know what defines us? What shapes us in the process of these intervals.

So, what exactly shapes us? What is it that motivates us and clicks on the “light” in our mind to do something different? What transforms us into a determinate being? Where is the point of change and can we pin point the moment?

I ask these questions because I want to know what shapes us. If our memories are not to be used to overcompensate for our lack of not trying or moving toward accomplishing our dreams then explain the process of becoming more than what we currently are, given that our memories are suppose to be used as a mechanism for reform. How come there are others that just get it and then there are the ones that have no clue; their point of reasoning has long been contaminated or perhaps just hit an underdevelopment standstill.

I live for the moments to find a different part of me, learn a new aspect of my life, and to fall in love, fall in love with absolutely everything. I’ve been accused of being a lot of things, and I have allowed those accusations to slide off my skin and gracefully fall to the floor as gracefully as they tried to break the fortress of my soul, of course in hopes of capturing my spirit; the thump is pretty loud. Nonetheless, there has been one accusation that I have openly embraced, which was being nonrealistic due to my optimistic persona. That sat well with me, and was nonchalantly close to accurate. Perhaps being the mindful, optimistic, overly excitable person that I am has allowed me to take this particular trajectory towards shaping me. Maybe there is a down fall to every aspect of life or choice that we make, but maybe the challenge resides in choosing the right choice, the best one that reflects a better you and me; regardless of the backlash.

You know I have come to really think and understand that, there are people who do not know love. I mean, there are so many shapes, forms, types, and variations of love. It is powerful, and its power is often underestimated. Love, is pure, kind, patient, accepting, sweet, tender, intense, seductive, imaginative, growing, explorative, exciting, and the list can continue to ramble on into infinite verbs and adjectives because it nicely suits each category. I challenge you to find love, a different kind that you have yet to recognize and comment about it when it happens.

I once stated that I felt that people have long ago stopped dreaming. I don’t know the exact result of that, but I think it’s the liaison for the lack of love, the lack of passion for life, and the constant advertising of stipulations and humanistic boundaries that is only created by man. About a week ago, I laid outside and memorized the sky for hours I’m sure. I realized that this life is bigger than our imaginations can comprehend. When I mean bigger, I do not just mean in the literal sense of size, but I speak of an expansion of depth in a non-lucid sense that is full of glory once deciphered. I want to know love just as much as I want to dream, and I want to know how that shapes me, all of us; I know it is at the core of our makeup.

This is just the beginning of this discussion … there will be plenty more, so let’s just say this is round one.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Working out, accountability, and polygamy?????

This week is going to be different. I know I normally post my workout plan and the ending result, but that was seemingly boring to me ... so I am going to change it up. I am going to post daily and it is going to have my workout regime for the day.

Confession: I don't feel like working out, I don't feel like writing, and I don't feel like doing much of anything except reading.

Now that I have identifed that, I can tell you better that it is when you feel like not doing something the most is when you should do it. I am going to go to step, which will be a lot of fun. After step class I am going to attempt to run 2 miles and if I can manage out a third I will, if anything I will walk it. My attempt today is to work out for an hour and a half, but I need to put more running into it. Running is the only way I am going to be able to acheive the look I want and the health that I want. When you are already at a target weight and you are roaming around within the numbers that are acceptable to your body weight and height, it can be harder to achieve. However, I am making a change in my life for the better, so that I can feel confident in every aspect.

So, anyway ... I amg oing to head out here and leave you with some inspiration, my hopes and dreams for today, and a questions that does not pertain to working out, just for a conversational discussion aspect.

Every time I get on this blog and I am either trying to write about my emotions, figure things out through some awakening concept I have stumbled upon, or I am trying to keep myself accountable for working out, I look forward to you. I look forward to the person that is going to give me advice back, someone that is going to tell me that they know how I feel, or that they just enjoyed reading another perspective. I love words, I love writing, I love emotions, and I love exploring it all together under one roof. Thank you for being my accountability partner, I'm not sure if you knew you were mine or not. My dream today is to accomplish something that I have never done which is workout through step class and run three miles afterwards. I'll let you know tomorrow how it goes.

As far as my question, it is the same question I posted on my facebook: what are your thoughts on polygamy?

I've been watching sister wives and of course I am a huge fan of Big Love (great show, hated the ending) but it is interesting, intriguing, and a foreign concept to me. I just want to know what you think.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Bradley Cooper dating Sandra Bullock???

So, I mistakenly read a gossip article about Renee Zellweger and Bradley Cooper breaking up, at least I think it was a mistake how I perceived it. I thought they were saying that Bradley Cooper and Sandra Bullock were now dating since his break up with Renee, but that was not the case, I think. You can see that this is totally all speculation and confusing to me, so I am can totally understand how it will be confusing to you. This is a perfect example as to how rumors get started.

So, even though I may be wrong on the interpretation part, I got to thinking that Bradley Cooper and Sandra Bullock would be a great match together. This blog isn't going to go into long list of details as to why I believe their characteristics are perfect for each other and all that jazz, I just think by looking at them, they would be perfect. I am pretty good at looking and guessing who would be right for each other, I do have a pretty good history list myself, and I am currently married (first marriage and will be my only, we got what it takes :o) Anway, back to the subject at hand. Sandra and Bradley should try that on for size. Now, I do wonder if they are in different places at the moment, her with an adopted baby and well him reaching the top of his career now and all, perhaps it won't happen because Renee and Sandra are friends, I don't know. Anyways, I think they should at least date once or twice, try it on for size.

Any thoughts?

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Working it out ... kind of!

Okay, so this is going to be short and sweet, well kind of sour to be honest. I have been so incredibly busy this week that I was only able to accomplish three workouts this week out of the intended five. I was able to accomplish the Monday and Wednesday workouts. Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday were overwhelmingly busy days. Today is not over (Sunday that is) and Mike and I are planning on doing a run of a minimum of two miles perhaps even four miles (twice around our track) with the our dog Sir William Wallace (yes, awesome name, and I totally came up with it. true story). Anyway, the workout will be the same as last week, because I was unable to meet all of them. I will extend my workout for six days next week, making sure that I put in another step and yoga class. I may change it up a bit, I haven't exactly decided. I may put out a different workout plan, it depends on what I feel like tomorrow, but I am definitely keep tomorrow (Monday's workout) the same. I love the yoga and step aerobics, I do want to incorporate more running so that is my goal.

You know, I went to the flea mall this weekend when Mike and I were preparing for our first eighties party together (I'll try to post pictures because our customes totally kicked butt), I mean I was literally made to live in the eighties when you looked at my outfit. Anyway, I came to thinking about my workout clothes and how it's probably time for me to go shopping. The flea mall had the coolest deals on running shorts. Now, I don't go to the gym to be cute, I go there to get cute, so I am in no big hurry. However, I want to get a few new outfits that are accommodating to the heat! Anyway, I'll let you know on the deals as far as it goes. I am so far 20 days in, and we still have until the 15th of April to see a weigh in!

Next week, I am going to focus on eating right and well. I have been doing a lot better, but I really want to step it up. I have noticed, due to the amount of water I drink, my skin is completely clearing up. I mean, I have always had pretty good skin, but sometimes my ecezma flairs up or I break out from the amount of sugar (from the sweets).

Apologies for potential grammatical errors, I am in a rush and I have yet to do any grammatical corrections. If you read this before I do so, I apologize and I will get to it when I have more time. Have a good day, and get prepared to get your work out on!!

Quitters Never Prosper

Confession: At times, I have allowed myself to fall under the hypnosis of quitting, merely because there was the suggestion that I could always come back to it, or perhaps it wasn’t for me. I absolutely despised and hated to my core not succeeding, and it is true, I always came back to whatever I may have left in the dust one way or another. Maybe it was two years later, maybe it was two days later, but I have always revisited something that I did not finish. I can be a bit stubborn when it comes to things like that.

First: Let me identify the purpose of this post. This post is about not quitting, it is about recognizing our flaws and what keeps us from our success. True, there are multiple blogs that speak on inspiration I’m sure; unfortunately, I have yet to really scour the internet reading other people’s thoughts and that is only because I am always reading people’s thoughts in a book. I’m not a gossip blogger, the most you will find is me venting about how people are so nasty or disputing some random statement that was presented by someone in the media, but you will never find me engaged in the latest debate on the color of Jake Gyllenhaal’s underwear, or who Charlie Hannum is dating (okay maybe, but most likely not lol). Nonetheless, you will never see me blog about gossip because that does not feel welcoming to my spirit, it’s just not a homely thing for me. However, you may see me broach a subject that perhaps has already been tackled. I feel that sometimes reiterating something is absolutely important. Often, we do not hear what we need to hear at the right time or the right amount of times. Repetition is often overlooked as a key component to success.

This morning, I woke up with book(s) in hand and dogs in tow, coupled with the intent to make coffee and breakfast while allowing my husband to sleep in. I came out on my porch and let them run around as I noticed that my flowers are blossoming around my home. They look beautiful. The yard is the next to follow. The American flag is swaying side to side as it dangles off one of the columns attached to my home. The sun is so bright; I literally began thinking of going to get my shades and that is when the song hit me: the future’s so bright, I got to wear shades!!!

So, as I got to thinking about how bright the future is, I got to thinking about how many of us quit before we reach a destined point in our path, which may have better refined our road to glory. Let me tell you something before I go on, because I just need to say it: You are worth all the glory there is to offer, no matter where you are, who you are, and what you may have done. We can change our steps by simply redefining ourselves along with our plan. Now, I always have a plan. I have a plan A, a plan B, a plan C, and to be honest, I have a plan that goes all the way down to the end of the alphabet until I have to start doubling up the letters and adding roman numerals on to them. Sometimes things do not go accordingly, and when they don’t, we need to step back and redefine what it is that we are doing. Maybe our outcome isn’t the problem, but instead it is us. Maybe we missed a crucial point in the planning process.

You know, I had always wanted to be a lawyer, I really did. But something was unsettling with me about becoming a lawyer that of course I did not become one. There were many variables that came into play for me not going to law school, and for a while it was hard for me to cope because that was the only real plan that I had for myself; that is until I stopped to look at what it was that I wanted to do. Going to law school was going to be my means to helping vulnerable populations or people who were unable to help themselves. I really thought that was the only way I could fight injustice or redefine what justice means, but it’s not. To be honest, I lived a pretty sheltered life by parents, and I am thankful for that in a lot of ways. It has kept me sane in a world full of chaos. However, I have taken to look at the outcome of my road process. I am not saying that I may never go to law school, but right now I am happy pursing my masters in social work. I am happy with the idea of applying to Chapel Hill for a PhD in Social Work or perhaps studying psychology and focusing on what causes aggression (something that I have recently became interested in while pursing my masters, random I know), or perhaps maybe even getting a PhD in public policy because I would love to be a part of the rewriting policies that seek to help victims but in reality may hamper victims. So, you see, the outcome of what it was that I wanted to do never changed, helping people, becoming a better me. However, the means were not through what I intentionally thought they were going to be. We walk on a cycle sometimes until we find the point to get off and find somewhere to plant new seeds (ideas and such).

It is not easy getting to where you need to be, but it doesn’t have to be hard either; it can be fun, challenging, and rewarding all together. Anything worth having is created through love and assiduous work. Just placate your mind with this idea that this will not last forever, you are unwaveringly devoted to success, and that you will wallow in your glory sooner than later. Every day you are closer to success. If it is something say dealing with math, and you have never been that strong with numbers, does not mean you should not do it. You do not have to be extremely smart to succeed in things, you just have to be willing to work at it, stay focused, and willing to grow and learn. At least this is what I believe, and I am only basing this off of my own growth and watching people’s futures around me.

Have you ever stopped to think that we are in the front row to watch not only our own future, but the future of others around us? If you ever have a question about how something may turn out, just look around you, it’s in the diligent or indolent steps of others; the answers are right in front of us all. Remember write down your plan no matter how terrible your grammar may be, or how silly your handwriting may look, it is yours and own it. Love every moment of becoming the success you designed yourself to be. Don’t quit off of technicalities, because quitters are the biggest losers in the end. Rise like the full moon did last night, and shine as bright a beautiful, by just keeping your faith and trying :o)

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Breaking the Crappy Habit in 21 Days

Confession: They say it takes 21 days to break a habit, so I am going to put something to the test. I have been on a habitual happiness theme this week, perhaps spilling over a little from the previous week, and here I am now, loving my days even more than the day prior. I’ve had a minor setback here and there, but nothing too drastic to where I could not rise above. So, I am going to put this “habitual happiness” theme to the test for 21 days (starting today) and prove that we can breakdown pessimism, before it breaks us.

I’ve had this theme that I have passed around this week (Habitual Happiness) because I believe in the climate that we are immersed in now, we have to keep happiness at the forefront of our minds. It is too easy to self-loath, wallow in pessimism, and pick up diffident characteristics. I have never been the type of person to escartz my feelings; fake the funk if you will. Nevertheless, I often feel as though I am cheating myself out of something by choosing the nasty feeling, because let’s be honest it can feel good. It can feel overwhelmingly good to speak your mind to someone that just isn’t doing it the way that you believe they should (even though you’re not the boss of anyone). It seems justified to be blunt and to the point when someone steps out of line (even though some things need to be left unsaid). It feels rewarding at times when you leave someone feeling dumb founded, because you got the last word (even though you may know how it feels to be someone who has more to say with no one there to listen). However, I am here to say that those are fleeting moments of happiness, and that we aren’t being fair or true to ourselves. In fact, they are lying moments of happiness, because you cannot be truly happy stealing joy in those ways. So, now you know that I feel the weight of the world, I feel the sadness that lurks in the darkness allies, and I know the taste of sour feelings just as you do, but that was never and will never be what we truly desire.

However, I believe it is all up to us ultimately. I think I have stated before that I do not believe that things happen for a reason, because that takes the free will out of our choice. I believe essentially we have free will and we make our own decisions and outcomes. We attract the things that come into our lives for the most part, and although it is hard to understand or wrap your head around comprehending this concept, does not mean it is not true. So, in order to relieve myself, well ourselves, of this ever pressing issue, I suggest from here on out we just turn our backs. Every time you see something negative that you don’t like, instead of accepting the negative energy or terrible consequence, make the decision to turn away from the situation. Literally, and I mean this as in literally, envision yourself in your mind on that problem or circumstance, and then refocus on what it is that you do want.

I am a strong believer that thoughts become things, I truly believe that. I look around my life and see things that I have wanted so badly that have manifest and in other areas of my life, I have seen how things do not work out all because of doubt. I had chosen to look at the possibilities of things not working out, because so many people around me had their things not working out. I believe this is a learned behavior. I am not looking at that anymore. So, along with being habitually happy and loving with gratitude the things that we do have, place in your mind with an unwavering faith of at least this size (.) that the entity you want is only but so big. When you make things unattainable in your mind, they become unattainable in a tangible sense; the things are only gigantic because you make them that way. We are living creatures here to live an amazing life, not one full of sadness and pain. Just because heart break may make us appreciate love does not mean we have to experience heart break 10 times over in order to harness or harvest the feeling of appreciation towards love.

So, I am going to turn my back to the things that I don’t like. I am literally, going to remove myself out of the situations that are not pleasing to my eyes, pleasing to my ears, and what is not pleasing to my spirit. I am going to do these things in faith and with the objective of achieving true happiness and breaking the habit of sadness and or pessimism. Do not let the opinion of your fellow man or woman taint your idea of a beautiful outcome. The magnificent Singer and Poet Katy Perry has once said and I am paraphrasing because I’m not good with remembering the lyrics, “You’re original and cannot be erased, if you only knew what the future holds, after a hurricane comes a rainbow, maybe the reason why all the doors are closed, is so you’ll open one that leads you to the perfect road.”

Let’s be happy in all the ways we can be by turning our backs on all the nasty negative things that haunt us. This does not mean neglect responsibility and replace it with your “right” to be happy. Be mindful of the ones around you and have a considerate heart, it will lead you to some of the most beautiful, mind blowing moments of your lifetime. Now, that is a confessional guarantee.

With overwhelming love and gratitude,

Confessional Therapist

Touch your dreams ... the are only but so far.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Writing: Death Dealer

Confession: Conformity has always been interesting to me, for the mere fact that the idea of me ever emboding something so intense is foreign to me. However, I am exploring this concept as to what makes people so easily led. Is it the battle of lies and truth that they struggle with amongst themselves, or is it something else. Whatever it may be, the journey to understand such a concept will be interesting. And interestingly enough, I put together this quick little writing that made me think about how lies, and perhaps even the truth, can lead us into an emotional darken stage within our lives; not fully knowing how to get control over our souls again, let alone find a safe way out. It's called: Death Dealer.

Click the link, it will take you to the short writing:

Monday, March 14, 2011

Sometimes, I feel the weight of the World ...

Confession: : My stress levels fluctuate sporadically, which leaves me in a state of uncertainty. Optimistic beliefs cannot completely shield me from myself or my own wandering mind.

**This blog is about working out and stress, don’t worry, we will get to the routine of the week; I just need a mental cleansing first.

The confession above is true in fact about me. I am a person who embodies empathy as well as hope, but at times I often lose my hope when engaging in the problems of others. I’m not sure if I am explaining this right, but I’m doing my best. Even when things do not directly affect me, if it is someone that I know, care about (not even, but instead hear about) their problem or issue finds a place in my heart and prayers.

How often do we allow stress to get in the way of our hopes and dreams? Stress is so bad on our bodies that it promotes fat in the mid section, it takes away our energy to do things, and it takes away our desires as well.

So this week, I want us all to focus on minimizing the stress by not allowing things to bother us that much. Let's try to focus on something that we want to do an dput our energy into that. Let's try to ignore the gabs and temptations of returning malice comments or evil stares when someone crosses us wrong; but instead, find another way to get our point across.

When we think about the people that surrounds us, let's remember how wonderful it is to have them in our lives. If they are not bringing you joy, comfort, and progression within yourself, then I ask you to challenge the validity of that relationship. Make the hard choice to do the right thing this week, and let's get in the habit of happiness.

This week's work out will be the same as last week. I am going to try and do everything that I suggested last week instead of mixing it up. So I am going to repost that. If I change something (which there are exercises in Fitness and Shape magazines that I want to attempt) I will let you know along the way.

Monday March 7: Yoga, followed by Step Aerobics, and maybe a one mile run; and a walk with the dogs for a light stretch in the evening

Tuesday: Pilates and a 4-5 mile run (I really want to do a 5 mile, but I haven't done it in a while, so I say 4 to be safe).

Wednesday: Yoga followed by Step, and maybe a one mile run afterwards; and a walk in the evening to stretch

Thursday: Pilates and Spinning and maybe a 15 minute workout on the elliptical or walk on an incline on the treadmill or track for 15 minutes

Friday: Yoga and Zumba for sure!! Last Friday was awesome!

Saturday: Run outside four miles

Sunday: Step and Yoga

Love you guys and thank you for taking the time to read my blog!


Sunday, March 13, 2011

Go HARD or Go HOME!!!

Confession: I thought I was going to die this week from working out, and I almost quit, QUIT on my Thursday run. It's true .... but you know what happens when people QUIT (as my husband would so eloquently suggest), PEOPLE DIE! It's an Army thing, perhaps even Military thing.

Go hard or go home, was the advice swindling amongst the brain paths in my head, whispering you can do it Trinity, you're almost there. My body screamed at me that it hated me, and it didn't want to be my friend. I'm surprised out of malice that it didn't just collapse to prove a point. Now you may be wondering, was I pushing myself too much? To be honest, I don't know. I couldn't tell if I was just really exhausted from the previous workouts, or was I being a chode and not wanting to finish. I'll ponder on some sort of enlightenment as I tell you my success of the week. I do want to hear about yours, so don't be afraid to comment. Let the world know about your workouts and how you're getting that body cute!

Monday Workout: Was absolutely awesome!!! My friend Rachel that lives near me went to Yoga and Step class with me. It was so much fun, and it fired me up for the week. The Yoga class was the perfect amount of stretching, centering, and muscle usage. The Step class was nonstop move-your-butt moves. I mean these ladies were getting it good. They were modifying the simple steps, twirling around like tinkerbells and little Jet Leis; you would think I was in a dance club held inside of an octagon the way they were moving. You had to be careful because it was easy to get kicked or slapped (which I did a couple of times in Friday Zumba, totally accidental), it was SLAMMED PACKED!!!!!!!!!!!! So overall, on this day I stayed true to my Monday workout plan.

Tuesday: Oh, Lord. Ladies and perhaps Gents, I woke up completely sore from Step aerobics. I thought I had sprained my calf muscle or something. I didn't make it to pilates class, but I did do a pilates slash yoga here at my home by myself. I've danced as well as done enough pilates to know moves and really get my stretch on, so it was worth it. As far as the 4-5 mile run went, it went well, really well in fact. I BROKE A RECORDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD (that was in my Oprah voice!) I actually ran five miles in the neighborhood across from mine, because my neighborhood has like two streets literally and that's it; small and personal. So, I steal the running paths in the neighborhood across from me. It's not like they use it much anyway. So, this path that I do is one lap around, which includes at least three pretty decent hills and one HUGE hill that changes my life every single time we meet face to face. My husband tracked the lap, and it is approximately 2.1 miles around. So, I have been know to do it twice a few times, its hard running outside for me compared to running on a treadmill. As I'm running around for the FIRST time, I'm telling myself, no it's fine, I'll just do four miles, no big deal that's still great. But then I start thinking of you all, and my accountability factor. There was going to be a point in time that I was going to have to attempt that damn run around for the third time, so why not Tuesday, why not in that moment, I asked myself? Then I answered with, "Go hard or go home trinity, literally walk or run your stank ass across the street, and just sit down if you aren't going to take this seriously!" So, when I was done yelling at myself, belittling the weakness that was tugging at my heart strings, I said screw it, today is the day I make the attempt. The second time around I got a great second wind, and when I started a third time I couldn't believe it. My knee started hurting so I cut through, but I made it through another mile to complete the run to a five mile run! That was a huge accomplishment for me and set the tone of go hard or go home for me this week!

Wednesday: Was rough!!! Wednesday's plan was to do yoga followed by step. I didn't do yoga, I stretched at home by doing my own crunches, leg lifts, and butt exercises (I will have to post a separate blog because they are awesome). I did however, turn up the heat. I went to Step and followed Step by doing a Spin class. So, Wednesday was a two hour full of cardio day that I am sure to repeat. My friend Rachel joined me for Spin. It was fun, and the best part about it was that when I looked out the window while I was spinning, I got to see the planes on Pope take off. It was so awesome, they were so huge, and it was just a peaceful serene sight.

Thursday: I was pooped from Wednesday, but I wanted to do Booty Camp, I mean Body Camp. But I was an hour late, I had got my times mixed up. Can you believe that?? Anyway, I looked in the workout area, and there were tons of treadmills open, so I figured, let's just do a five mile run; yes, again. I was hoping to do that on Tuesday on a treadmill but I did it outside, so why not do two five miles in a week, right? WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG!!!!!!!
Oh-my-God, I literally prayed to Jesus. I'm not a runner, never have been, but I have always admired the sport. It's so mental! So, I get on and I'm feeling great for the first mile, the second mile I'm starting to feel heavy, and when I reach the third, I want to quit, I want to give up, I just don't think I can make it type of attitude. My pants felt so heavy, big mistake for wearing them, everything irritated me (I snatched my ear phones out being completely dramatic) and I just had to talk to myself. I told myself that I could slow down and just run a slow slow pace, but then when I agreed to that my dumb butt decided to speed it up and run a sprint for a minute, because I didn't want to be weak. I almost died (I know I was close), but it made the mile go by a little faster. When I got to the fourth mile, I was literally having to remind myself to stand up straight, don't run hunched over, it does nothing for the core. I told myself just three more songs, as I tried to hear my music from the whispers of the headphones (remember, I snatched them off from irritation); when I got to the fifth mile, I didn't feel like a victor, but instead I felt like a survivor. I felt like I had been through something so traumatic, and so serious that I needed therapy. Anyway, I will never wear pants again on a second five mile in the week. I will attempt this again next week because I am going HARD!!!!!!!!!!

Friday: Glorious, cool down Friday!! I had so many appointments that the only class I could make it to was ZUMBA!!!!!! I went to the same Zumba class, but it's so packed that you have to sign up and get a bracelet. They had two body guards standing by the door the entire time. They were like Zumba bouncers, and I am not even coming close to joking or pulling your chain. I am not that clever or funny, I couldn't make this stuff up. I mean they stood guarding each entrance of the door with folded arms, I had to show them my bracelet before I was admitted. CRAZY!!!! Anyway, it was awesome. I could hardly move to start so I had to get warmed up. It so happens that I was zumbaing next to my yoga instruct (the little Asian one, she is so cute!!!) she is such a sweet lady; she does bring the pain, but she always brings treats like peppermint smelling stuff to open our senses. Anyway, after we had our dance off in Zumba, my yoga instructor told me I should get my Zumba instructor's license. I thought that was sweet, but I don't think I have rhythm for that. She was serious though, she approached me multiple times with it during our class that she convinced me to at least think about it, and so I am.

This week was pretty successful. Yesterday I didn't do much, but except stretch. Today is Sunday, and I am contemplating on going to a yoga and step this evening, but I kind of want to rest my body some. My calves are finally calming down. I did soak in a beautifully hot bath this week and treated myself to a mani and pedi which was awesome. I believe in the recovery process, because right now, I'm probably tearing my muscles to reshape them or something. I have lactic acid flowing through my body, making me appear bloated and heavier. My body will calm down and begin adjusting. Also, I have been consuming at least 80 ounces of water, and watching what I eat. So, this week has been pretty successful.

I haven't decided on my plan for next week, but look for it this evening, because I am going to line it out!!! Thank you for reading, and I hope to hear some of your stories!

Keep it up and stay encouraged, you can do anything you want to do if you just try. It's just that simple!