Matters of the heart .....

I have not been in a place like this in a long time it seems. Wondering when my mind’s thoughts will subside so that I could accurately gauge the beats of my heart. The rhythm wavers with each passing touch, an intensity that is too far dissociated to define concretely. Where do we go from here when our hearts have long spoke the truth of this moment, foretelling the inevitable fortunes our future beholds? We make decisions in life and love that are not always ideal, often leading us to contemplate our other options, while reminiscence on the “what if” factor, as it dangles over our mistakes with a daunting laughter that shames the soul. That old adage that is written in our holy text, “patience is a virtue” speaks volumes, with very little of us having been able to master it, let alone utilize it on a consistent basis. I am just one, who longs to be loved righteously in an unjust world. I am just one, who anticipates the taste of freedom while her lover’s hand eclipses her own. I am just one, who is open to the possibility of happiness found in the cracks and missteps of our broken pathways. I am …. I am just one, who yearns and desperately craves to be understood within her emotions, outside expressions, and internal conflictions. I am in need of so much of what I give out that, it becomes overwhelmingly depressive when the daunting reality comes to full surface, staring you right in the face, with the answer you have refused for the longest time to accept, repeats itself for the millionth time that what you want … what you need … will always be at a finger tip distance, taunting your sanity with its truth and its greed.

Fear and Freedom

When does fear become a distant factor in the way that our lives are operated and maintained? When do we relinquish its hold that strangles our dreams, hopes, and aspirations? When does fear stop being a constant manipulator within our thoughts to the point that our steps become diluted illusions? Many of us have lost our footing, because of the catastrophes that fear engenders around us. Our purposes become confused, our vision becomes skewed, our dreams begin to only be meant for bed time, and our fascination with life becomes enumerated iota(s) that are meaningless.

Fear captures the essence of a man, or woman rather, from the beginning of their conception. Follow me on this point before becoming confused and dubious while hesitantly reading the rest this opine or well my opinion rather. Fear studies us in the way that it knows how to permeate our walls that we build sufficiently (or at the very least believe we have built sufficiently) to help us prevent such disastrous that fear leads us to and through. Fear provokes us to question our own gut instincts (superego and or conscience), it acidly strips away at the spark of confidence we hold onto within the grit of our fingernails, and it taints the fine line of trust, trust that we hold even within ourselves.

Emotions keep us implacable sometimes, distracting us from what is right and just, which fear is categorized as one of these emotions that does so.
Fear, which promotes worry, which in turns induces stress, which also solicits heart disease, cancer, and from diet pill commercial’s claims, belly fat as well, can none the less vigorously trigger the death of us all, in different fashions of course, but still familiar in taste. Fear is a silent killer, for in fact it gives us comfort at times, reminding us that our skin is there as goose bumps trickle up and down the outer layers of our crusted bodies. Fear escartz it way into our lives pretending to be a warning label to the unknown and perhaps the forbidden; it keeps us honest and alert it reassures us. In retrospect, it keeps us paralyzed in our stilted transformation, preventing progression and success. It lies to us about our end result if we put our worries aside and worked toward something bigger than ourselves; it tells us that we aren’t big enough or strong enough to play. It lies to our face, pretending to be a natural instinct, when in fact, it’s a habitual vexation that has found a welcoming home within our souls; clever imposture fear is. My heart says it’s not right, and I’m sure that I am not the only one that has felt the vibration from within, trying to convince ourselves of the unnaturalness of it all.

Each day, most of us, and though I am generalizing and speculating purely, do not take time to listen to and hear the morning whispers, or truly appreciate the day for rising again so un-expectantly. No, fear of whatever kept us tossing and turning towards each side of the darken night previously keeps us stubborn, ungrateful, distracted, and clustered with confusion. I heard a phrase this weekend that has a simplistic tone to it, and yet, a beauty that sings between each word; it goes: The morning breeze has something to tell you, do not go back to sleep. Interpret this however you see fit, for words are a mirror of our perception, perceive them in whatever way that gives you comfort, inspiration, and clarity. We all have selective understanding and we all choose to live at some point in time, the way that we live. You see, to me these words speak of letting go of any preconceived notions of a new today that replaced my yesterday, which merely means, letting go of my hindering fears of the past, so to not re-infect myself anymore. Just as we do with forgiving someone or something for whatever the situation may be, rather it be small, medium or large, we have to make the conscience ever to forgive every single time, not just once. So, as we do when we are faced with fears that hamper our process towards succession over an obstacle or an entity within our lives.

Choose to acknowledge self doubt, confusion, and diffidence for what they are, distractions from a bigger picture of happiness. Recognize, reconcile, and then release the fear that hinders us from a better future, because though days have become so disregarded and irrelevantly suspected, they may be endangered within a matter of time (time is truly of the essence for it is a virtue in its own right). Notably, we are nearly a peccadillo rather than a virtue, a spec in comparison to the bigger picture of this so called life.

Letting go of fear is experiencing a new taste to freedom.

Holding on ...

Confession: I tend to be dramatic sometimes, but that is just my outake on life. Everything is important, everything is big, and everything with me matters. Life matters so much, and I am still trying to find all the ways that it is important and that it can be lived. Here is just a free write of my thoughts on the matter of how we live and how we choose throughout it.

Do you ever feel your hands loosen around your life, and the fall from the wind is whizzing in your ear, whispering so fast that it makes every other sound around you numb or tender to the ear; you shut your eyes because the force from the wind is so strong, you can’t see anything, everything is so blurry and together.

During a response to a discussion earlier, I conferred with the notion that the one the biggest misconceptions is that we know ourselves completely or better than we actually think we do. We walk around guarded or loose sometimes, well most of the time actually; we walk around ignoring our reflection, even when it is in our own eyes in the mirror to take heed of our actions. Even our shadows move a little more hesitantly behind our bodies, telling us to be cautious, but we ignore them. Yet, we move ambiguously through this life, paying little attention to the subtleties that could produce a better us, give us a clearer understanding of where we need to be, where we really WANT to be.

What exactly is our catalyst for being stagnant in life? Is it fear? Is it insecurities? Is it blindness? Perhaps, it may be all. I don’t know exactly. What is it that keeps us stationary within the house of mediocrity and glibness? It is as some don’t know how to clean the house and toss out the trash. You know, it’s like every time you move from one place to another, when you are packing, sometimes you tend to throw away loads of garbage that you think would clutter your new place, right? Right. You are thinking to yourself, it wouldn’t do any good there so why bring along, right? Right. Why is it that some of us cannot do that within our lives and circumstances? I am not speaking purely of relationships and moving to one guy to the next, making sure he does not carry the load that was created from the previous partner; that would be nice and it would save him and you a lot of drama for the mama, but that is not all that I am speaking about, not really even the main point. What I am speaking of is in every aspect of our lives, we create stuff that just not need to be there, need being the key element in the statement. There is so much clutter that gets in the way, like we are hoarders of emotions and dysfunctional destruction. I am not saying just let it go, I am saying analyze it, learn it, and THEN let it go; so that you never have to be re-infected again, at least by whatever that was. Let it be a WAS, let it be a true WAS moment, not a now and again, then some more moment, you know what I am mean?

Holding on to what, you should ask yourself, and as to why should be the proceeding question. Doubting something when in the middle of anything major or minuet is something to take heed to, something to pay attention to and not to ignore, because it is the minor nuances that steam roll into the sticking daring situations. Broken hearts as a beautiful song once suggested is that the heart is still beating, you’re alive, and you’re not dead. Tighten your grip around life and live, live by taking it breath by breath, not day by day.

Hold on … you're not completely broken.

Don't Fake It

Confession: My heart has been heavy lately with the burdens of my own voice weighing down on me to speak out my true feelings and intentions. I've been growing, growing up a lot, and here I am now, facing another point in my life to make a decision. I am redefining myself and that comes with speaking my heart, not just the kindness part either. I'm not suggesting that I am turning into some judgmental gooney or anything that is waiting to slap you in the face with my gambol, but I am saying that I will not be the teddy bear make you feel good person all the time anymore when I believe something is not right. I speak about being true to yourself and I have realized my own mendacious mindset within myself. So, read on and maybe you will understand that faking it only keeps you from understanding you. I'd rather be silent and alone than to stand beside someone and offer empty words.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about my new found boldness and honesty from the heart that has been slipping from my tenacious lips lately. I am a thinker, and I often mediate on situations as to how they make me feel. Normally, our situations in life are ongoing processes that never seem to meet an abrupt end; they just keep formulating and formulating leaving relics of damages, and even sometimes shadows and imprints. In my daily word of God reading that I have picked up again recently, I realized I was a day behind. I had been reading a day behind for a week now, and this morning an affirmation to my behavior, which I have been questioning, finally found an answer. You see, lately I have had the urge just to allow people to know that I cannot be manipulated, deceived, or patronized as easily or as often (because the attempts are made on a daily) as they seem to think. I actually find it quite hilarious, to the point of laughing constantly myself, when I know that “they” don’t know that I … well know. Not laughing in a malicious way, as in I know a secret that they don’t know, but laughing in an “are-you-kidding-me” kind of way. Often my laugh to myself becomes a nervous one because I can feel a volcano inside of me about to erupt, but the embarrassment of others or their feelings, so my conscience more or less, keeps me from exposing the malice calumnies that are rapidly revealed to me.

As of recent, I don’t know what has gotten into me, but I think somehow instead of taking my vitamins I have taken a “no shit” pill. I have spoken up on what it is that I know and that I have seen with my own eyes to people, I have stopped the victim mode of storytelling to my ear, and I have single handedly redefined my relationship with a few people; I am extremely comfortable within my own skin with my decision, and in fact, I’m really proud of me. I was tired of faking the smile to make someone else feel better, I was tired of pretending that their ways (though they are adults) were not harmful not only to themselves but those around them, and I was tired of hearing that they are the only ones that seem to feel any pain. Although, I am sure I have redefined my boundaries with a few people that can be classified as sociopaths (being pain is the only true emotion they could probably feel which motivates their actions), I still took a chance on just purging my pre-mediated thoughts. I went as far as to tell someone that I am tired of being afterthoughts so please do not expect me to put any thought into those that NEVER think of me. It was sickening to my stomach to be asked to do something for someone and you know what the old me would have sucked it up and done it, because after all, when you know better, you should take the higher road, right? Wrong. Whoever said the higher road included taking maltreatment and left over emotional gratitude from the ones that are suppose to care about you? If that is the higher road, then the plan leveled flat surface is exactly my type of walking path. It felt like I was being mean by being so forward and honest, because normally I wouldn’t have said anything, but I couldn’t take it anymore, after all the conversations I have had recently and the declaration I have made about myself-where I stand.

Anyways, I opened my book and the word was on “Don’t Fake It” and it went on to speak about how the Lord has no time for pretenders and hypocrites. It went on to say that the mistake that many people make is that they decide to pretend and that by pretending you are being mendacious to yourself and not true to who you are. It also went on to conclude that people have many masks and can become quite adept at changing them as needed and that they being are NOT being true to one’s self is one of the biggest joy thieves that exists. I mean after all you guys, not being up front and honest when something isn’t right or if something is bothering you only poisons our souls and ruins our emotions. We begin to walk around with extra baggage that doesn’t even belong to us, because we decided to carry it when we decided to flippin’ fake it!

So, on this road to discovery, of understanding my foundations, in order to better understand myself, I can’t pretend anymore no matter how embarrassed I am for the other person; just spit it out is what I am going to do. Of course I am not going to be impetuous with my actions, I will always be pre-mediated to make sure that my words are not impulsive, thus warranting some sort of cancellation on a truth serum. The goal is not be judgmental, hypocritical, or walk in the shadows of someone else’s lies. Shadows are created to give shelter and create a safe haven sometimes, and they even prove to be pretty fun to play with when you are trying out run your own. Nevertheless, within shadows there is a darkness that lurks, and that is when one must step away, and walk alone, away from everything, away from potential destruction. This is what I declared and this new found freedom is absolutely priceless.

Hello darling ... it's your mommy speaking.

Hello darling, it’s your mother speaking.

One day I am going to formally introduce myself to you, you will know my touch and my voice immediately, from the numerous conversations we will have. I cannot wait to talk to you and tell you about our day, as you grow stronger, wiser, and healthier inside of my belly. Your father and I have discussed our fears of having you and what this world could potentially do to you. I am afraid of the pain you will have, the disasters you will encounter, and even the heart break you will endure. I want to be upfront and honest with you on the reason I am waiting to create you, the reason I am holding out on what I feel is a better time to have you.

I have often had the question proposed to me, when are Mike and I going to have kids. To be honest, as soon as I got married, like literally the next day, I had questions of when we are going to have babies. To be honest sweetheart, mommy found that a little bizarre, because I was never in a rush to just bring you into this world without thorough preparation. There is this adage that is often tossed around, "You will never be prepared to have kids" which I find that thought intriguing and baffling over who actually made that up. Sure, there will be unforeseen things that I will encounter having you, but being ready to for the unseen I believe is the smart and wise thing to do; but this honey is only your mommy talking, my opinion only. I had a discussion the other night on this subject, having kids and becoming a mother. I have had this conversation numerous times, and I have told them, as I am telling you right now, that my answer has never wavered from, I don’t want them, right now. Right now that is, being that I am only 27 years old. Your mother, if you do not know by now is a planner, decisive, particular, a thinker, and sometimes an over analyzer. I feel like these qualities have allowed me to not be selfish with you, not being selfish in having you when I am not ready. Sure, by societal standards it would be acceptable, admirable even given my age and not having a child, but it would not be right. Sure, I am married to your father and at this moment we have been successfully married a few months over 3 years. However, I am not having you for a reason to self identity, I am not having you because I am alone when your father is gone, and I am not having you because I think it would be exciting and something new in my life. Those reasons are appealing, but they do not over write or expel the fact that being excited, being alone, and wanting a different identity aspect has nothing to do with being ready. Me being excited about having you would not over power the fact that I am still understanding life and my steps within them. You darling, my golden child that I have not met, deserve mommy to understand her steps so that your steps will be clearer.

When you come along sweetheart, I want to hold your hand or stand right behind you while you walk through your life. I want to explain the road blocks, detours, and stand still moments that you will have because I have been there, I understand them through similarity from my own walk. The worst thing in the world I can offer you is clutter and confusion, because that is exactly what would happen if you came right now. Sure, I would rise to the occasion, I would greet you with open arms and an enthusiasm that would impress the stars, but if I can take my time to be better prepared I will do that, because I love you that much. Your life, your humanity, your soul and spirit means something to me, and I take you, YOUR LIFE, more serious than my own. Just as I sat my butt down to get into graduate school, studying hours upon hours for the GRE, I will sit my little butt down and study this world and the things around it and the parents that are already in it, so that when you come I can have a better understanding. I may be an over thinker, but I think in this case, regarding your life and perhaps your brothers and sisters, I owe you the “over thinking” process. I really do love you so much, and I have never heard your voice, seen your smile, or become familiar with the color of your eyes. I do not know your skin tone, I do not know the sound of your laugh, and I do not know what your name will be yet, but I love everything about you. I can’t wait to walk through this life, experiencing the world through your eyes, because I will have been able to give you a sight, different than mine, a pair of eyes of your own; I don't think it's fair that I would share the same pair of glasses as you, only one set of eyes belongs behind them. You deserve your own vision, your own breath, your own everything, a part from me and your father. Honestly, when you come along, we still deserve a part of ourselves too. I believe this will be more beneficial to you, and though I am saying this right now, I know it will be a challenge for me not to want to smother you, because I love you. But that's just it, right now I am learning boundaries, and understanding space, my own space as well.

The best gifts that I can give you is opportunities, patience while we figure out your foundation together because I will have mastered mine (or at least stepped out of apprentice into an expert role on my way to mastering it), and a sense of stability that comes in a nice warm comforting blanket of security. I will not smother you with my dreams so that dreaming on your own isn’t a reality. I will not put my hopes and faith in you to succeed because mommy didn’t make it. I will be situated within my own skin, so that you learn to be comfortable through my actions and my life within your own. I want you to see examples through my life moments, through your father’s life moments. I want you to understand what I say, if you have a question about how things will turn out, just take a look around you. I want to tell you that the sky is the limit and show you with a plane ride; I want you to be able to look the clouds in the face and the blue eyes of the sky and say,”hey, well this isn’t that far to reach you know?” I want to tell you about the Red Sea and you, your father, and I go take a visit for educational purposes. I want you to learn your history by sight and reality, and I want to be able to give you all of this, the best way I know how. When you learn about the Sistine Chapel in school or we pass by it through conversational discussions, I want to take you there so you can see it with your own eyes. I want you to learn this world in a tangible sense as well as a spiritual sense, and grow a deeper appreciation for life as I am doing now. I want you to know that mommy and daddy brought you into this world on one principal alone and that is pure love and desire to share a world with you. There will be no speculation of why mommy and daddy got married. There will be no discussion of why mommy talks about the things that she wants to do and never does or did, and you will not see a look of regret or disappointment within my eyes at any time regarding your arrival. I will never tell you that I did not do something because I had kids, I promise you that I will not make it seem as though your life came at an unexpected time or became a burden. I will not tell you that being a Mommy is work, because you will not be my job, my profession, my career, you will be a pleasure, all of you. I will not expect any rewards from you except, EXCEPT, that you have a life you can love, be proud of, and learn to absolutely own.

One day, you and I will meet. You will know my personality, you will know the woman that played a part in giving you life, and there will be nothing that I could hide or want to hide from you. I want you to be glad that you met me, glad that I am your mother, and proud above all else. I want you to enjoy my company, love my smile, and choose to love me unconditionally back because you deem me worth it. I want to be a better person when you come around, because you’re golden to me already. I want you to have any opportunity in the world that is out there, because your father and I, we love you in an unconditional overwhelming way and you're not even here yet. So, when you come into this world and your mother is in her 40s when you are having your 1st date, understand that my age and your age together, shows mommy’s patience and love, because you are worth planning for. This is the best thing that I can offer as a parent right now, this is the best way I know how to parent, waiting until I am absolutely ready. I love you, I love you so much darling, know that with everything inside of you.

Love always,

Your Mom

Hollow Hands ... Within these tears

Hollow Hands

As time clicks away each minute, second by second the emptiness around closes in on me
Dauntless, the loneliness teases and taunts me, whispering cheap creaks through the cracks in the floor boards
The space is welcoming; the walls are forgiving, cold, and somewhat friendly
Hollow hands reach for my friendship, mimicking laughter imitates joy, and satisfaction protrudes nowhere near me.
Lost words, broken thoughts, searching for something to distract me by sight
The lone night presents a faulty security; in truth it’s dangerous and threatening
I am here, self secluded, compellingly weak and sad
I wasn’t ready, ready to be alone without you.
Yet here I stand, by myself

Within these tears

Within these tears you will find confusion and frustration fighting for my emotional attention

You will find beauty redefined through pain and a darken awakening

Within these tears you will find a trek decorated with sporadic discomfort and delirious joy

You will find true expression and literal feeling

Within these tears you will see my heart beat flutter for survival, for life inside this skin struggles to live

You will find a stripped core, bare, naked and cold, soothed by the idea of a passing loneliness

Within these tears you will find the truth about me, the open book of my soul

Before I met you ...

A tribute to the one who has explained through expression and action what love is ... to me.

Before I met you ...

I’ve loved you all of my life before I knew who you were. I wanted to feel your touch before I knew the hand that would reach for my face or embrace my finger tips right before our hands coupled together as one.

I wanted to capture your gaze before I knew the color of your eyes, the length of hesitation preceded by a blink, or the unique way each eyelid fell before you found comfort in sleep. I wanted to know the scent of your skin before I knew the tone it naturally radiates.

I wanted to feel the kisses you would offer me before memorizing their puck before each peck or long embrace. I wanted to know the sound of your laugh or what makes you laugh in life before becoming familiar with your smile. But I wanted to become familiar with your smile before I heard the words of “I love you” slip from your lips, pushed out by your tongue.

I wanted to know your urges, because I wanted to know how to excite them or appease them rather. I wanted to know the taste of your soul before knowing your favorite foods. But I wanted to know your favorite foods, so that I could gain an easy entrance into your heart.

I wanted to know what inspires your mercy before stepping in the shadow of your grace. I wanted to know your nightmares, so that I could placate them with new dreams. Most of all, I couldn’t wait to feel the “I love you” part that we would share on an overwhelming level, a level that proceeds any imagination one could invoke.

I have loved you all of my life, by choice, not by choice, by will, by desire, by demand, by a passion that balances the unseen worlds of spirituality and the heavens. I will love you all the days of my life, because I wanted to love exactly who you are, before I met you.