Holding on ...

Confession: I tend to be dramatic sometimes, but that is just my outake on life. Everything is important, everything is big, and everything with me matters. Life matters so much, and I am still trying to find all the ways that it is important and that it can be lived. Here is just a free write of my thoughts on the matter of how we live and how we choose throughout it.

Do you ever feel your hands loosen around your life, and the fall from the wind is whizzing in your ear, whispering so fast that it makes every other sound around you numb or tender to the ear; you shut your eyes because the force from the wind is so strong, you can’t see anything, everything is so blurry and together.

During a response to a discussion earlier, I conferred with the notion that the one the biggest misconceptions is that we know ourselves completely or better than we actually think we do. We walk around guarded or loose sometimes, well most of the time actually; we walk around ignoring our reflection, even when it is in our own eyes in the mirror to take heed of our actions. Even our shadows move a little more hesitantly behind our bodies, telling us to be cautious, but we ignore them. Yet, we move ambiguously through this life, paying little attention to the subtleties that could produce a better us, give us a clearer understanding of where we need to be, where we really WANT to be.

What exactly is our catalyst for being stagnant in life? Is it fear? Is it insecurities? Is it blindness? Perhaps, it may be all. I don’t know exactly. What is it that keeps us stationary within the house of mediocrity and glibness? It is as some don’t know how to clean the house and toss out the trash. You know, it’s like every time you move from one place to another, when you are packing, sometimes you tend to throw away loads of garbage that you think would clutter your new place, right? Right. You are thinking to yourself, it wouldn’t do any good there so why bring along, right? Right. Why is it that some of us cannot do that within our lives and circumstances? I am not speaking purely of relationships and moving to one guy to the next, making sure he does not carry the load that was created from the previous partner; that would be nice and it would save him and you a lot of drama for the mama, but that is not all that I am speaking about, not really even the main point. What I am speaking of is in every aspect of our lives, we create stuff that just not need to be there, need being the key element in the statement. There is so much clutter that gets in the way, like we are hoarders of emotions and dysfunctional destruction. I am not saying just let it go, I am saying analyze it, learn it, and THEN let it go; so that you never have to be re-infected again, at least by whatever that was. Let it be a WAS, let it be a true WAS moment, not a now and again, then some more moment, you know what I am mean?

Holding on to what, you should ask yourself, and as to why should be the proceeding question. Doubting something when in the middle of anything major or minuet is something to take heed to, something to pay attention to and not to ignore, because it is the minor nuances that steam roll into the sticking daring situations. Broken hearts as a beautiful song once suggested is that the heart is still beating, you’re alive, and you’re not dead. Tighten your grip around life and live, live by taking it breath by breath, not day by day.

Hold on … you're not completely broken.

The Precursor of a Thought

Confession: Interestingly enough, my mind has wandered into the land of what a thought really is, and the process of it occuring in your mind before it manifest itself into reality. When you are faced with time, time spent alone, the mind can become an alteration of images of a reality that you may become familiar with later. I find it fascinating to look at the way thoughts work and how they transpire into actions, particularly dark ones. I am always looking at the upside of something, so I thought, why not explore the negative or dark spots of thoughts. So, anyways, here is just a random thought I put on paper, took me about 10 minutes to get it out. I love random thought writing time, I always surprise myself with what is going on in my mind. I just wish I could catch all the fleeting ones that get away. :o) Enjoy.

Sometimes, I hate to be alone with my thoughts; it can be a scary place to be. Presenting different outcomes, changing the course of your life, and, perhaps or, treading in unfamiliar territory, looms in the shadows of each passing façade of the imaginary reality that can formally introduce itself one day. The temptations of the “what-ifs” that transition between your neurons, teasing your conscience and decision making skills, can be legerdemain as well as threatening. Deceptively lust, greed, envy, gluttony, and more embryonic manipulators, cast their appearance with an illusionary dress that seems appeasing as well as appealing. The mind’s playground can unintentionally allow the twisting and burning of love to the ground, all the while, lifting up the spirits of the dark only to blindingly confuse it for light. Searching for the sound of sanity can be hard when footprints lead to a different path, one that stimulates the senses and situates itself as equal to the one you were really looking for. Tis, tis, tis, when the thoughts of the unreal becomes a reality; how do you escape the imprints that will be forever scripted into your soul, is an inspiring rhetorical statement to consider. How do you beat grief and guilt, anger converted into rage, and pain replaced by the blood of a dying life that you once lived before you? Decisions, decisions, oh how they affect unmannered emotions, all the while affecting every part of our very existence, down to where we sit, as to oppose to where we could have sat; this or that games our thoughts play. Thoughts are the precursor to actions, which invoke the reactions of our lives. So, have we missed out on the true evaluator of what fords us through this life of ours? Being alone with my thoughts, truth be bold and told, can be a scary, scary place to linger.

Where do your thoughts lead you?

Decisions Decisions ... Let's shoot for the galaxies, you and I

Confession: I began my walk with Christ without knowing I was walking with him. I was praying and praying to him to heal my family when I was 12 years old, and He used the people in my past memories to structure my new ones. It’s funny how he allows us to be used in certain ways. I’m thankful that my 2nd grade teacher had invited us to her church when I was 6, because when I asked my father to take me to church, we took her invitation; even if it was 6 grades later.

The decisions we make in life are so important because they shape our future. We get lucky that our mistakes don’t always corrupt our existence, but that can only happen if we learn from them. Every single aspect of our life is a teachable moment, a learning moment, an experiencing moment. When I was in the 8th grade, I began watching Joyce Meyers every morning while getting ready for school. Her choice to speak the word of God and encouragement found my ears, all because of the decisions we make in our life. What if she had chosen a different path in life at a different time, allowing her past demons, transgressions, or pain to re-infect her continuously? And perhaps, I had decided to listen to MTV or VH1 while getting dressed instead of her ministry, where would I be? Maybe my walk would not be so defined with God, maybe I would still be a newborn in Christ, and maybe my outlook on spirituality and designing the perfect destiny for me would not be so clear. The decisions we make even while we are younger shape, form, and rejuvenate parts of our lives, knowingly and unknowingly. It may seem unfair because of our innocence, our pureness, and the fact that our steps are currently placed in the hands of adults that haven’t quite figured out their own walk.

I want to encourage you to pay attention in life. Each step you make differs from the last and will differ from the next one you make. Although, it may seem as you are walking around in circles, making the same decisions, it’s not true. We hold our destinies in our hands, and this world is more profound then we give it credit. There is so much more to our lives then we ever experience, and that is because we allow the creation and manifestations of others, become our own. My life is mine and mine alone, it belongs to no one else but me. How often do we stop and think that this is my life, mine! How incredible is that? How has the pessimistic nature seeped into our minds that at times, we wish for it to be over, have something new, or despise it? We have a responsibility to ourselves and whatever responsibility you feel that you have, it’s yours to figure out; but that’s just it, figure it out.

Ask yourself what is my purpose, and don’t be afraid of the answer. Remember, I am huge on not interrupting yourself, but instead giving you time to speak inwardly. It may cause for you to step out of an indolent lifestyle, it may make you challenge your weakness which initiates fears that we may not want to face, but know that you are stronger than you probably give yourself credit for. Know that those moments of doubt, frustration, and aggravation can be controlled by controlling your mind, your thoughts, and your actions. When you control your mind, you are in control of your destiny, because your thoughts become different, which allow for your actions to become different; your entire outlook on life becomes something of anew. Live above the definition you have defined for yourself, because you will be surprised when you finally figure out that the sky limit really isn’t that far. Let’s shoot for the galaxies, you and I.

Dear Victoria, shame on you. I know your secret.

Dear Victoria Secret,

I have a confession of the heart to make, and I do apologize if I offend you as this letter proceeds. I've loved you from the moment that I saw your magazine. As a matter of fact, I always dreamed of one day being an Angel. I've had the height for quite sometime, and I've had the weight (more not than often). Nevertheless, I loved that you had the Tyras, Selitas, Heidis, Giselles, and Adriannas all walking down the runway together, letting us know that beauty comes in multiple shades. Naomi Campbell has even graced your runway before, and that dynamic just completed the shades of beauty that wore your clothes. I especially got excited when you started using Jessica White. She is of a beautiful dark skin complexion, and she shows how beautiful dark skin women can be in bathing suits, yoga clothes (as if we don't work out), and the latest shoes designed by Steve Madden.

The thing is, the other day when I went to your website to look at bathing suits, I did not see Jessica White in the bathing suit section, or really anywhere. Not that I only care about seeing her, but it helps me as a darker skinned women, visualize what colors would look good on my skin. I hate that things have to be about race in this country, I really do. I hate that I can count the number of super models on my hand that are African American, and that we are still in the "first" stages of everything. Nonetheless, this is the defect of our birth as Americans. I just loved you Victoria, because you seemed to push the idea of beauty when everyone else was at a standstill.

I will forgive you Victoria, because I do not believe your actions were intentional; I just don't believe they were meant to hurt my feelings or make me wonder about you. But I do ask you not to go backwards, but continue moving forward, scouring the land for beautiful beauties of all shades, including mine. I'm just going to make the simple request to bring Jessica White back, so that I can see someone like me, wearing your clothes, so that I know what it will look like. Contrary to popular beliefs, African Americans do like the beach, we do like to swim, and the sun is just as beautiful to us as it is to anyone else. You may not know this, but it matters to me. It matters to me that there are thousands of pictures on your site with beautiful women that don't look like me, and then I can only find two pictures of girls that look like me, just two. It makes me feel as though people my complexion are either not appreciated for their skin complexion, or we just aren't considered beautiful. I hate that I can count on my hands, and when I do count on my hands, the number comes back extremely low. Under the dress section is where I found the two models, and you know what, I own one out of the two dresses shown. I bought the dress because of how beautiful it was on Jessica's skin. Perhaps, we can move the amount up to five pictures this year, and spread it between the bra tops tab and the bathing suits? So, as someone who has spent a lot of money on your clothes and has a closet full to prove it, I just ask you to put Jessica White in a few swim suits so I can see what it will look like on me. Or maybe, if you want a change, you can use me, no complaints or objections here. I still have the dream of being an Angel.

Here is the dress that I bought, which Jessica is modeling below:

Here is a picture of me in case you are wondering what I look like Victoria. As a matter of fact, here are a few pictures of me Victoria at different times, but they have one thing in common, I am wearing your clothes. One dress, the white one, I have in both colors (the purple and white version), hence the fact that I am a huge supporter of your company.

Just thought I would let you know what matters to me. My words are my words alone, and do not speak for everyone, and that is not my intention. I just thought, since we have established a relationship on you producing clothes that I love and me supporting your product, you would like to hear my latest confession.

Warmest regards,

Trinity

Disclaimer: These are not my photos. All rights belong to Victoria Secret, an amazing clothing company.