Heartbeat

 

I have been in a state of transition within myself for a while, hoping to capture the essence of who I really am in this life.  I try my hardest to pay attention, often stumbling upon my way.  I have yet to feel true regret in these moments of fumbling, only because I can find the growth within each hiccup.  I have found myself relying on yoga and its practice to help me in this trek of a journey called my life.  I am going share something with you, personal and private.  Yesterday, while I was in my Sunday hot yoga practice, I felt this overwhelming feeling that cannot be defined with giving an emotional description of happiness or calmness … it just can’t really be explained to its full capacity.  I was feeling a lot of things at once, to the point that it crumbled me and I began to cry to myself.  I’m in a good place emotionally in this time; I am not battling an influx of hormones or anything like that so when this hit me, I knew instantly that this was a pivotal moment for me.  It just felt so surreal and above me, bigger than me.  If that makes any sense at all.   

 

As my body was in child’s pose, I felt my life, all that I had been living and will be living, in that moment.   My ribs expanded as I took a deep breath on purpose and they graced the inside of my thighs as I laid there resting.  I had never felt them in that manner before, it was unique.  My heartbeat, I could feel it strong pounding in my chest and I knew I was alive.  In that moment, I was alive, really truly understanding the power that is in living.  I took each breath in that 90 minute class on purpose.  I was living on purpose.  Living on purpose and not just striving escapes the debilitating feeling for pressure and struggle; I felt free.  Maybe that is the best way to explain that feeling that brought me to tear, freedom.   I was letting go of being in a recovery state from all that I have gone through in my life.  I was letting go of insecurities that I have acknowledged I carry and the ones that have stayed within the shadows of my own little inner hell.  I felt as though I was being reborn as I thanked God for allowing me the awareness of the gift that he gave me, which was to live and to live healthy.  I couldn’t help but become overwhelmed.  In that moment, everything mattered but nothing mattered at all.   When my time comes, I want people to say that she knew what it meant to live, she knew what it felt like.  That is really important to me. 

 

Through my yoga practice, I have come to understand my physical strengths and mental weaknesses.  I have watched myself, with my bare hands and pure will, destroy these mental weaknesses through my physical strength and endurance.  I often talk about seeing myself in five years from now or ten years from now, and will that older me be proud of the work the younger me put in to becoming who I will then be.  At that moment, even in this moment now, I can answer a silent but strong, yes. 

 

Through all of the dirt that I have accumulated over the years, I have managed and will manage to find my source of water to clean and rehydrate myself.  Through the dark days that have seemed and may seem in the future to never yield to light, I will find a way to dance under the moon.  Through the moments of heartache that drag out each heartbeat, I will embrace the time allowing the pain to remind me that I am alive and I am able …. I will always be able as long as I have a breath in me.

Matters of the heart .....

I have not been in a place like this in a long time it seems. Wondering when my mind’s thoughts will subside so that I could accurately gauge the beats of my heart. The rhythm wavers with each passing touch, an intensity that is too far dissociated to define concretely. Where do we go from here when our hearts have long spoke the truth of this moment, foretelling the inevitable fortunes our future beholds? We make decisions in life and love that are not always ideal, often leading us to contemplate our other options, while reminiscence on the “what if” factor, as it dangles over our mistakes with a daunting laughter that shames the soul. That old adage that is written in our holy text, “patience is a virtue” speaks volumes, with very little of us having been able to master it, let alone utilize it on a consistent basis. I am just one, who longs to be loved righteously in an unjust world. I am just one, who anticipates the taste of freedom while her lover’s hand eclipses her own. I am just one, who is open to the possibility of happiness found in the cracks and missteps of our broken pathways. I am …. I am just one, who yearns and desperately craves to be understood within her emotions, outside expressions, and internal conflictions. I am in need of so much of what I give out that, it becomes overwhelmingly depressive when the daunting reality comes to full surface, staring you right in the face, with the answer you have refused for the longest time to accept, repeats itself for the millionth time that what you want … what you need … will always be at a finger tip distance, taunting your sanity with its truth and its greed.